"Burning Up"

Ripped apart papers lay across an oil stained floor,
I'm holding the match but hand shakes in nerves,
Can I really do this? I ask myself as I bite my lip.
Can I really burn her away? My mind travels back but I hold it to stay,
The lighter burns my thumb as another paper is ripped,
The cold of the pipe against my lips and floating mind.
Scraps are blown to bits as a few wounds are split across my body,
Why can't I be normal and move on like most people? My lips whisper to myself as liqour and booze dribble down my chin.
She tried stopping me from doing these things, why have I begun again?
My hair whips unorderly as gusts of wind rise against the beginning fire,
The room gets smaller and smaller with images and still shots of life and love,
The life I left,
The love I gave away.

A swarm of fall flames swirl like outstretching tongues to my feet,
Burning my toes and ankles so the cuts burst open,
Everything she told me seemed to lose meaning when all this happened,
The fire ignited months ago, has it been so long?, when she told me secrets.
Out of all the wrong I have done, I regret these the most,
All she ever did was help me stop hurting myself,
And now it's all I know.

It's how I cope, that's all. My head tries to reason with my heart, I'm unmoving within the flames.
I see what I've done wrong to her, them, and so the only answer is to slowly cut myself away from the world,
The world would be better off without me,
She wrote it herself--not a blame, just agreeing.

Smoke clouds up my nose and burns my eyes,
The heat almost unbarable if it weren't the smell of blackened skin I would've ran.
My eyes water with a glance towards the small window,
Seeing that every situation has two sides, not one right the other wrong,
But right in their once sense for that is what the other believes.
Bone shatters beneath my melting body and I can't help but to cry out,
One last yell for help, help I know I will not get,
Help I know I don't want.

I'm done hurting everyone, the fire is killing that me, I hope.
Every passing second blood rushes to my head with hushing silence,
She was everything to me,
And I gave her nothing in return,
but salty sorrow and cold shoulders.

This is as quiet as it gets, the sound of crackling fire,
the muffled screams I won't dare let out,
you color my eyes red and I rip myself inside out once more.
I thought the more I said it, the easier it would be when it actually happened,
When I find myself not looking for her at the door or in her corner at lunch,
But it's like an addiction, I have to check, my fire seeping through my clothes.

I won't make a sound as everything slips away from me,
Just like we all know will happen, the silence being my only friend.
Sure I may go to college, get a job, set fires in all the places I've stepped,
But there's one thing I won't ever forget.
The cold of that chain when you handed it to me that day,
The way it so irks me as it limply hands there with no more meaning,
Not saying she took it, but saying that it's a torture device.
To know that it once hung around your neck with such glowing life,
To know you carried it with you at all costs,
But it was I who dropped you.

Hot bits of metal crawl into my calves followed by my knees,
I kneel for my sins against man, woman, child.
My body now black and blue, tears of guilt shedding down my broken face,
I won't stop looking for her,
I won't stop thinking about her,
I won't stop hurting myself in any way possible.
Because,
We all know it's all I deserve with the crimes I've so easily done.

I can say I hate you all day,
that I don't miss you,
I can say that you make me sick,
that I regret being with you.
But only I will know the truth...

I still love you,
I miss you every second,
You still make me smile,
I regret leaving you.
But that's something I'll never say...

--Instead I'll just keep burning up away from the world.