victim

why did you do it dad?
how could you touch your own son?
was there more?
in earlier years when you stayed in my bed?
(I can't fucking remember)...
(it's all in pieces)...
(broken up in old nightmares and flashbacks and repressed memories)
and then you made me watch as you touched my brother?
you sick motherfucker
what do you think those night terrors were?
I was reliving your evil
I just couldn't admit to it at the time...
I was so young and frightened of what you'd do
your voice like a thunderous train wreck...
that we all feared.

why did you do it?
did you lie?
did the priest really catch you?
have his way with you?
his hands all over your own child-body
was this a case of doing unto others what's been done to you
perversion begets perversion dad...
you just branded another generation with sick iron hands
you could have stopped it, you fuck
it was in your hands
you failed us.

I remember you smashing my mother's face
I remember seeing her head knocked to one side
her hair following in a violent lash
you sick fuck
how much more did I miss in repression
and what about your pedophile friend?
what happened to us there?
why was I so afraid of his back room?
what else happened?
(I can't fucking remember).

my childhood in pieces
so many blanks
so many broken memories
my childhood shattered like my mind is now
so many missing photos in the chronology
I hope I never remember it all
some things are better left unsaid.

and now you're an old soul
rage subsided
worn and broken and tired
old before your time
but I'd still grab your throat
and finish your empty life
you're a failure
by my hands I would end you
you worthless piece of garbage
I'm ashamed to have come from your body
I'm ashamed to call myself your son
I'd kill myself just to show the disrespect I have for you.