deepundergroundpoetry.com
cloudy with a chance of showers
when time
dries out
and leaves
you wilted—
left with
the soft touch
of conjecture
or promises
quenching relief,
myths blend in
two; the memory
of middles
fading
beginnings
and shaded
ends.
bydk 02/13/20
dries out
and leaves
you wilted—
left with
the soft touch
of conjecture
or promises
quenching relief,
myths blend in
two; the memory
of middles
fading
beginnings
and shaded
ends.
bydk 02/13/20
Published 13th Feb 2020
| Edited 14th Feb 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 7
reads 377
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
13th Feb 2020 6:19pm
This is a really good piece of poetry. In the spirit of honest critique, the only two things I could suggest would be the following:
you wilted— [ substitute 'to be' with an em dash, perhaps ]
left with the soft
touch of conjecture
or promises [ you're already using 'of' in L2 of this couplet. I would suggest moving it to the next line and losing the a ]
of quenching relief,
myths blend
Again, this is a solid poem—very poignant and succinct. It does seem like the middle of things dissipate over time, and are replaced by beginnings and endings. . .all we can hope for is that they are both happy ones. And, if not, then our thoughts can see the beauty of the lesson.
you wilted— [ substitute 'to be' with an em dash, perhaps ]
left with the soft
touch of conjecture
or promises [ you're already using 'of' in L2 of this couplet. I would suggest moving it to the next line and losing the a ]
of quenching relief,
myths blend
Again, this is a solid poem—very poignant and succinct. It does seem like the middle of things dissipate over time, and are replaced by beginnings and endings. . .all we can hope for is that they are both happy ones. And, if not, then our thoughts can see the beauty of the lesson.
13th Feb 2020 7:08pm
I think this is the first time I’ve been given some honest critique. I appreciate this and will take this into consideration. The dash seems to work. Thank you.
13th Feb 2020 7:14pm
Don't take it personally. Many are weary of offering critique to new members for fear of getting their head bitten off. I've had it happen to me plenty of times, but I'm thick-skinned so it doesn't phase me in the least. It simply shows me who not to waste time on in the future. lol
Glad I could help.
Glad I could help.
13th Feb 2020 7:24pm
13th Feb 2020 7:34pm
I agree: those who request honest critique should be prepared to receive it. Unfortunately, many can't accept they haven't posted the perfect poem they thought they had.
It all balances out with ones such as yourself who appreciate honesty born from the love of poetry.
It all balances out with ones such as yourself who appreciate honesty born from the love of poetry.
13th Feb 2020 9:26pm
Well done poet...plus what AvA said...and I especially like that you broke the piece into short stanzas...as it so improves readability...hugs, Ely
13th Feb 2020 9:39pm
