Well ?

I am sitting here
with a gun in my mouth.
I won't be the one
who jumps in the pool first
with you standing at the side laughing,
me floating
as my soul boils.
 
So we'll sit hear at the kitchen table,
unable to speak
until it's time.
Well go ahead God,
give me a reason
to stay.

When the moment comes,
will I pray?
I know you'll say no,
but if I truly knew that today was the day,
in a quiet moment would I pray?
what would we say?