deepundergroundpoetry.com
It just feels good.
It was the morning hour
brilliance hung heavy
actually it was steam
from the shower.
Insperation nevertheless
it had to be done now
a compulsive artist at best
and so then it was.
Carving with gusto
tearing that shit apart
like nail polish
it chipped away.
Like a shelf in the hips,
totem-pole ribs,
gaunt eyelids.
Shades of red
blacks and filmy blues
Overlapped and dripping
left a therapeutic scent.
He winced and said, "I really adore your artwork."
then his eyes rolled into the back of his head.
brilliance hung heavy
actually it was steam
from the shower.
Insperation nevertheless
it had to be done now
a compulsive artist at best
and so then it was.
Carving with gusto
tearing that shit apart
like nail polish
it chipped away.
Like a shelf in the hips,
totem-pole ribs,
gaunt eyelids.
Shades of red
blacks and filmy blues
Overlapped and dripping
left a therapeutic scent.
He winced and said, "I really adore your artwork."
then his eyes rolled into the back of his head.
Published 2nd Jan 2012
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Anonymous
- Edited 3rd Jan 2012 10:06am
3rd Jan 2012 9:43am
I adore this type of poetry and you are a master at it, I love the way you pack it with image after image and feed it with apt and well planned Metaphors...Its a definite nod from me.
I was just wondering why you chose to introduce the subject / person at the very last minute, it feels a little out of place for me, would it feed the overall result if you introduced "him" earlier? That is just opinion and I probably have no idea what I am talking about.
So just well done!
Al –x-
I was just wondering why you chose to introduce the subject / person at the very last minute, it feels a little out of place for me, would it feed the overall result if you introduced "him" earlier? That is just opinion and I probably have no idea what I am talking about.
So just well done!
Al –x-
3rd Jan 2012 9:57am
Thank you for your kind words.
I wrote this poem twice actually the first time I introduced the subject first and it just didn't seem right (to me.) This seemed to flow a lot better. (:
I wrote this poem twice actually the first time I introduced the subject first and it just didn't seem right (to me.) This seemed to flow a lot better. (:
Anonymous
21st Apr 2012 4:12pm
I actually liked the introduction of a second character near the end, however the first stanza feels like a small hiccup in the overall flow of this. I'm not sure if that was your intention, but I think it could be tidied up a little.
'totem-pole ribs' - very nice imagery.
(typo S2L1)
'totem-pole ribs' - very nice imagery.
(typo S2L1)
23rd Apr 2012 9:21am
Thank you for reading and the input! I'm going to clean up that first stanza sometime soon, thank you for bringing this poem to my attention again.
