Hassle free

       
The gentleman hands me my wine.        
         
“You’re all about self care, aren’t you, honey?”        
         
“If I don’t take care of me, who else will?”        
         
“That’s what husbands are for, sweetheart.”        
         
“I forewent the engagement ring this year.”        
         
“I see.”        
         
 He coughs.        
         
There is a brief pause.        
         
“I’ve decided to get new tits this June, instead.” I offer.    
         
His eyes go wide.      
     
“Congratulations, honey! Can I buy them for you?”      
     
The man asks eagerly shifting in his seat.      
         
“No, thank you. These boobies are hassle free.”  
 
My grin is wide.

It says:

Eat your heart out, motherfucker.