The Burial

 
The Burial

I fought for so long who I am inside.
Fought against the constant urge to end it all and die.
Fought a long, bloody war against an invisible monster hell bend on destroying me.
It fractured my mind, wore out my body and drove me to the brink while smiling from the shadows in glee.
I forced a smile every day and acted like all was fine.
I spilled my blood out in my art in an attempt to define
just what exactly this creature was that had a firm grasp of my spine.
This is where I draw the line.
Say goodbye to the past,
and look forward to the future at last.

I was caught between the feeling of living and dying.
Saying anything to the contrary would be lying.
The darkness that crippled my mind was horrifying.
The fact I’m still here is mystifying,
but the feeling of being alive again is electrifying.
I no longer need to spend time identifying,
but rather spend time clarifying
in a way that ends up satisfying.

Depression was my enemy that I refused to acknowledge for so long.
Saying I suffered from depression is the first step in showing just how strong
I really am and need to give myself credit for.
I’ve picked my nearly dead body up off of the dirty floor,
but wait there’s more.
this might go down in lore.

Concussions suffered years ago I refused to address lead to me going into a permanent dark state of mind.
I lied to myself and told myself that I was fine,
because suicidal thoughts and constant darkness means I was right in the mind.
The inner workings of my mind were no longer aligned.

I hit rock bottom over and over again, each time expecting now to climb back up to my feet.
Each day I thought would be my last and depression would have me beat.
The idea of dying sounded rather neat.
I would no longer have to eat,
or bake outside in the hot summer heat.
I would no longer be a burden to anyone, wouldn’t that be sweet?
I would no longer feel like an unwanted outcast.
I would no longer have to be asked, “how are you doing today?”
Lie and say “good” when really I was tired of the demon eating away at my soul and the games that it played.
I felt unworthy of being loved by anyone.
Unable to give my love to someone else.
I felt dead inside and wished every day would be my last.
A quick, painless death, that’s all I asked.

Now things have changed and I’m here to put the past behind me for good.
I’m taking residence up in a brand-new neighborhood.
A neighborhood of peace and solitude, not chaos and destruction.
This is the beginning of my reconstruction.
A new mind and body for a reborn soul.
Time to send the past down to burn in the coal.

I’ve dug out a hole, it’s time for a purge,
so a new me can finally emerge.
I’ve mopped up all of the blood I’ve shed fighting this war.
Collected all of the negative thoughts that I no longer adore.
Captured the demon living inside feasting away on my soul.
Eradicated the fear imprisoning my mind, now I’m on a roll.
I’ve puked out all of the anxiety causing me sleepless nights.
I’ve turned my back on the dark and now looks towards the light.
I’ve forgiven myself for all of my past mistakes.
I’ve learned not to be so hard on myself and give myself a break.
I’ve ripped the hate right out of my heart,
and allowed love to flow back in to create in me a new start.
The anger inside of me has been captured and turned into a calming peace.
All of these achievements are deserving of a press release.

Into the hole all of these achievements go,
to be buried my dirt and covered in snow.
The past is being buried, this is a final farewell.
Down to hell I send you to forever dwell.
You tried your best to take me with you,
but instead of death my life is starting over new.

I stand over the burial site happy for the first time in years.
I hope the demon can see me grinning from ear to ear.
It took everything I had to win the war but I’m finally at peace.
May reminders of the past now forever cease.