My last fuck to give

Help me!!
somebody, anybody
cant you see?
I'm so confused,
my soul is tired
its used up battered and bruised.
I can feel it rising,
from somewhere i cant explain
by now it shouldn't be surprising.
Its an old friend,
one that never leaves
will be with me til the end.
I can feel it in my soul
It lives way down deep,
like a secret lover
its secrets i will surely keep.
Always whispering in my ear,
a voice so quiet
that only i can hear.
But its never words of encouragement,
just words full of hate
fueled by jealousy and resentment!
I can't ever shut it off
So I try my best
to keep these feelings to myself,
but I can never put them to rest.
It tells me im not worthy,
I will never know real love
because I'm not smart enough, I'm a loser and ugly!
At times i cant even leave home
but that's what it wants
to see me miserable and alone.
There's a darkness that lives in me,
I try to hide it
but look close enough and u can see.
My face may be wearing a smile,
but that's all a lie
i have'nt felt a real one in a while.
It wants me to give up,
to quit fighting
to finally give my last fuck.
It begs for that ultimate sin,
as good as it  may sound
i can never let it win.
It promises me silence,
it says my mind will finally rest
no more lies, anger or violence.
Just streets of gold
total calm and eternal peace
a place where i will never grow old.
I'm running out of reasons to say no,
i have nothing left
no one to call , no safe place to go.
Get out of my fucking head,
i just want to be happy
but think id be better off dead.
I'm so sick and tired of it
Its  a constant battle,
i feel like any minute i could lose my shit.
I,m constantly on edge,
an angry, insecure, nervous wreck
a constant war existing only in my head.
These things i can never talk about,
so i push the feelings deep down inside
when really i need to cry, scream and shout.
That's what feeds my beast
my insecurities & self hatred,
its own personal feast
laid out as one big buffet.
All i know is secrets and silent tears,
suppressed emotions, bad thoughts and doubts
mood swings and outbursts caused by my anxiety and fears.
I pray constantly,
for god to ease my mind
its too much , cant he see?
Maybe that preacher was right,
when he said god wasn't in me
if that's true, i should just give up the fight.
Yeah, Im sure it could be worse,
but i i ruin everyone and  everything i touch
I think lonleyness is my curse.
Am i branded like Cane,
forced to wonder alone
slowly going insane?
Till i cant take it anymore,
should I pop some pills and overdose
or slit my wrist on the bathroom floor?
It has its appeal, that i cant deny,
finally get some much needed rest
to say i don't think of giving in would be a lie.
One more broken heart,
cant handle another let down, or another loss
Surely I would finally fall apart.
Is it worth the risk id be taking,
should i give it one more chance
when its really my soul up for the taking?
Or just accept this life of misery,
trapped in my own personal hell
just like it wants me to be.
I could use a blessing or just some plain damn luck
I'm starting to worry myself
cause truthfully, I've already lost that last fuck!