deepundergroundpoetry.com
Falling Upon Me
I want to be inside your darkest all:
That stain which soils and must blacken a heart;
I need besmirching now to feel you fall
Upon me, when you prise my legs apart;
I need to be scared prey that you will catch
And feast upon with hunger in your mind;
This vain bonfire waits keenly for your match,
So I can burn as fiercely as assigned;
I have to wash the whiteness of the flag
That flies to show surrender, as I yield;
I know you'll make harsh judgements and will drag
Out retribution, only you can field;
I want, need, have and wash and yet I can't,
Until I know the hardness you must plant...
That stain which soils and must blacken a heart;
I need besmirching now to feel you fall
Upon me, when you prise my legs apart;
I need to be scared prey that you will catch
And feast upon with hunger in your mind;
This vain bonfire waits keenly for your match,
So I can burn as fiercely as assigned;
I have to wash the whiteness of the flag
That flies to show surrender, as I yield;
I know you'll make harsh judgements and will drag
Out retribution, only you can field;
I want, need, have and wash and yet I can't,
Until I know the hardness you must plant...
Published 22nd May 2019
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22nd May 2019 8:35am
22nd May 2019 8:37am
22nd May 2019 9:19am
22nd May 2019 11:52am
Anonymous
22nd May 2019 12:22pm
<< post removed >>
Anonymous
- Edited 22nd May 2019 3:46pm
22nd May 2019 3:42pm
prise - surprise, you taught me a new word today. Thank you!
I suggest a tightening up by removing excess words the poem can live without like so for example.
"I want to be inside your darkest all:
The everything that must blacken a heart;
I need to be within to feel you fall
Upon me, as you prise my legs apart;"
"I want inside your darkest all:
that ever blackening of heart;
desire to feel you fall upon me
as you prise my legs apart;"
I opted to swap "need" with "desire" to remain in the vein of your "want" because you are already using "need" in the 2nd stanza.
If you are into comps, this would make a good entry for
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/10770/
I suggest a tightening up by removing excess words the poem can live without like so for example.
"I want to be inside your darkest all:
The everything that must blacken a heart;
I need to be within to feel you fall
Upon me, as you prise my legs apart;"
"I want inside your darkest all:
that ever blackening of heart;
desire to feel you fall upon me
as you prise my legs apart;"
I opted to swap "need" with "desire" to remain in the vein of your "want" because you are already using "need" in the 2nd stanza.
If you are into comps, this would make a good entry for
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/10770/
22nd May 2019 6:28pm
Thank you for the helpful suggestions - I will think about them but do want to keep this in sonnet form. Not really a competitive poet but thanks for that thought.
Anonymous
22nd May 2019 7:03pm
I whole-heartedly understand. Myself, I have no skill or patience when it comes to sonnets.
22nd May 2019 7:32pm
It does need work - but desire for instance doesn't scan. There is too much fluff and the effect is drained away by the excess of conjunctions - I shall do a gradual descriptive revamp bringing in stronger content and context - thanks again
22nd May 2019 3:54pm
22nd May 2019 6:30pm
Anonymous
- Edited 9th Apr 2022 5:45am
24th May 2019 4:49am
<< post removed >>
