deepundergroundpoetry.com
two thousand lives
Two thousand lives I have ignored
The callings of my soul
Its whispers in my dreams
And heralds from beyond,
Enticing me to follow
The pathless path of inner worlds
Wishing to show me
Realms of the beginnings
My birthplace, my original face.
The callings of my soul
Its whispers in my dreams
And heralds from beyond,
Enticing me to follow
The pathless path of inner worlds
Wishing to show me
Realms of the beginnings
My birthplace, my original face.
Published 26th Mar 2019
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
26th Mar 2019 5:20pm
<< post removed >>
26th Mar 2019 11:05pm
This is really contemplative, Monica.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest losing the parenthetical references and perhaps altering pathless to pathlessness. This would enable you to lose the redundancy ( which in this case I feel doesn't work as succesful repitition ).
Lastly, the lowercase title and the upper case poem are not consistent. In this case, I would recommend all lowercase because the poem is zenlike, and reads better as lower.
two thousand lives
two thousand lives I have ignored
the callings of my soul
its whispers in my dreams
( and ) heralds from beyond,
enticing me to follow
the pathlessness of inner worlds
wishing to show me
realms of ( the ) beginnings:
my birthplace, and original face.
I particularly love the original face reference. Wow.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest losing the parenthetical references and perhaps altering pathless to pathlessness. This would enable you to lose the redundancy ( which in this case I feel doesn't work as succesful repitition ).
Lastly, the lowercase title and the upper case poem are not consistent. In this case, I would recommend all lowercase because the poem is zenlike, and reads better as lower.
two thousand lives
two thousand lives I have ignored
the callings of my soul
its whispers in my dreams
( and ) heralds from beyond,
enticing me to follow
the pathlessness of inner worlds
wishing to show me
realms of ( the ) beginnings:
my birthplace, and original face.
I particularly love the original face reference. Wow.
27th Mar 2019 1:31am
Thank you so much for taking the time! That's very useful criticism. Especially the capital letters. I've often wondered about that.
Much gratitude!
Much gratitude!
27th Mar 2019 4:19am
Gautama the Buddha remembered a hundred thousand lives, so you are in good company...
27th Mar 2019 3:58pm
hahah! i'm hardly in his company, but thanks for lifting my spirits with that thought :)
