A Profound Introspective Rumination

A Profound Introspective Rumination

So, it's been said repeatedly time and time again;
That there's a time to laugh and there's a time to mourn.
Nd there's time for giving less and there are moments for gaining more.
Supposedly there's a period for peace and there is an age of war.
But there's a problem, it's that the sands in our hourglass are running out expediently, so there isn't much time for anything anymore.
So, since that's the case I should probably just say goodbye to this cruel bitter-sweet world, here tonight, now shouldn't I?

I've been so tired of wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Sadly it's even more difficult to bear this burden when there isn't rarely anybody who gives a damn enough to ever attempt and help me lighten the load of this weight that I carry constantly.
But it was so ironic that it took me walking away from the mirrors for me to discover who it was that I am and a breathtaking new epiphany.
I discovered that I didn't need any assistance from others in order to get by.
Nor did I need anyone really in order to survive in this ruthless endurance test that is known as life itself.
But however, I did long for the admiration from someone other than myself,
But I never really ever did receive it for the better half of my life.
And during part of my declining years, I came to the delusional conclusion that there wasn't any need for camaraderie and human connection,
That was until the latter part of my animate life that the reality of the necessity of human companionship and connection was vital,
But it was at this point in my life that I also realized I had absolutely no idea how to go about befriending anybody or how to consort with another person very well at all.
Which in turn made it seemingly rather amenable for me to acclimate into social normalcy which sped up my decline into depression.
And to this day my inability to be attuned to social customariness has fed my insecurities and awkwardness to the point where I contemplate whether or not it would be better to just never go out of my home and long for the cold stillness of eternal rest...

I mean ever since from the mere seconds after I was born life seemed to go by in a blink of an eye.
The minutes turned into hours, that turned into weeks, months and years that gradually but somehow abruptly turned into five decades, three years and some days later.
And over those years I unwittingly amassed copious amounts of anguish, sorrow, misery, regrets, heartache, and loneliness.
To which I willingly chose to bottle up just so nosy prying individuals wouldn't know the suffering agony that I truly felt inside.
All of those bottled up emotions I would eventually bleed out brooding lyrical epic poetry for all to read.
But even in doing so my poetry was ineffectual because it felt as though my written silent words were never enough to extinguish my dolours tormenting.
Yeah, sure this poetry that I write is my medicine to cure the ailment that is my pain.
Which left me feeling desolate, forlorn, despondent and ostracized, so why not take my life here now this moment?

Even if anonymous strangers were to read my poetic pieces,
They'd only vaguely know a part of who I was by the words that I had written.
And, sadder still, is the fact, that there are those who are the very closest to me,
But they only have a sliver of a fracture of an understanding of who it is that I am in reality.
I mean, I could literally share the same address with somebody for years .
But yet they wouldn't even compost to a full grasp of understanding of who it is that I am in actuality.
Moreover, the only ones who actually might know the most about who I am in reality than anybody are veterans like me, the enemies to which I have fought, and the Devil himself.
I mean is it so weird to be known but yet known by nobody at all?
Since it feels as though nobody ever will take the time to get to know who it is that I am, nor does anybody wish to truly know who I am in and actuality.
Therefore, I do believe it is for the best that I just go quietly into that good night just so I can be with the ones who I truly loved, and I loved me back the same in exchange...

My entire life it seems as though I've given so much to those who were less fortunate than I,
I’ve also helped out those who were in dire need of some sort of support.
But yet what is it that I’ve gotten in exchange for my compassion and benevolence!?
Well, I got repeatedly stabbed in the back by those who I helped.
I got let down by those who I trusted the most.
And those who I assisted in the past, whelp they outrightly refuse to assist me whenever I was in times of dire straits.
I also got plagued with irreversible insecurities which overtime made my life a living hell.
There were times I’d find myself wearing the opinions of others like some sort of cheapass Halloween costume that was trying to mask away all my uncertainties and unhappiness.
And with all that combined it made me think the worst about myself.
Furthermore, it also made me feel as though I couldn't and wouldn't ever be able to fit in anywhere with anyone.
I don't know how much longer I could take these perpetual feelings of uncertainty and negativeness.
Ergo I am highly considering smothering such feelings by snuffing out my own light...

Admittedly even at an early age, I was overwhelmed by such feelings almost to the point where they suffocated me.
And since I was never really good at expressing myself I wound up becoming like a powder keg exploding at any given moment without warning.
That was until in the latter days of my life when I had become so expressive and sensitive with my feelings to the point where I couldn't seem to shut up or moderate feelings that I felt.
Those feelings that were the most prominent that I felt each and every godforsaken day in a day out
Were as followed;
Sadness, happiness, and loneliness.
Also, I had random annoying strangers and people who barely knew me at all, tried telling me haphazardly that they understood what it is that I'm going through,
And if I kept positive things would eventually get better.
Criminy! That's such a load of inconsiderate nonsensical ill-informed crapola advice!
And I only say that because little do they know or realize that ever since I was a youngin I’ve tried having hope and optimism that these dark days would eventually dissipate.
Along with it so would all of these woebegones that I constantly felt.
In all the hopes that things would eventually turn into contentment and joyousness.
But despite having such optimism I would discover that throughout my life no matter how hard I believed or attempted to feel something other than these melancholy feelings they're all that I seem to feel.
Nor did it matter how hard I gave my all to make things better, in the long run, my depression somehow gained control over my willpower and diminished it.
My depression also forcibly made me feel so heavy-hearted, lugubrious, and dispirited as well.
Damn near to the point where my depression, had convinced me that my darker days were all that I was going to be living out the remainder of my days.
Therefore, I most certainly do not appreciate when somebody tries and tells me they think is best for me and how it is I feel inside.
Because none of you have ever had walk a mile in my shoes to experience what I've experienced.
Ya know what, forget trying to walk a mile in my shoes, instead, I triple dog dare any one of you to just spend a few moments within my mind.
And after you've had a taste of what is like to be me I'd like to find out whether or not if you're still considering continuing your life in the aftermath of walking around my mine for a few moments.
Consequently, is why I often find myself debating on whether or not to let loose these demons that I've kept locked away for so long just so they can do what it is they do the best.
Run rampant and take over my thoughts so that they can make the fitting decision whether it's pills, a blade or a bullet that would be the deciding factor that would take me out of this world for good...

I hear so many saying that if I were to just get closer to thee Jesus Christ and the good Lord above, I'll find salvation, redemption, and atonement.
It's so ironic that most don't know that in the past, I was unquestionably close to Heavenly Father.
Indeed, I did righteous deeds for the less fortunate, I minded my P's and Q's towards those who weren't so kind to me, nor did I never do any harm unto anyone, unless they truly deserved being harmed, and I truly believed wholeheartedly that I was an upstanding Christian Soldier.
But there the time that I called out to my God for saving and no reply came, nor salvation came from praying on bended knee in the midst of a war-torn battlefield.
Yet when I screamed out to the devil the sounds of gunfire cease and desist, the screams of the dying were muffled and my nearly dead corpse was reanimated.
Yeah, I had my doubts about it being the devil's divine intervention at first.
However, after this particular reoccurring conundrum would go on for some time.
Meaning that whatever I was distressed I would call out for the Lord but things only wound up getting worse Yet, yes it would happen whenever I called out for the devil's aid.
I must admit that for quite a while I was utterly baffled and distraught by the perplexing enigma of which was more absolute and tangible; the words from holy scriptures or the devil's physical influences.
But there came a moment where I was no longer perplexed by this particular enigma.
It was during an enlightenment epiphany that it was revealed unto me that evil most certainly does prevail and triumph over the good-hearted nature of the devout.
Ergo I knew devil's influential powers were indisputable and dogmatic.
Nevertheless, this bombshell eye-opener did not deter me from being kind-hearted and Christian-like unto others.
Nor did it make me become a devil worshiper either.
I just had a different perception about the world around me and the realities of what truly exists.
Rather than the fictional delusional reality that's so many people seem comfortable living in.
Although it did not hold me from contemplating my owned demise because the hatred for myself could not be salvaged by calling out to the devil.
Cause, in all honesty, I was in a place so dark so dismal that I felt as though it was far better if I just took myself out of this world for good then forcibly continue living in it anymore...

I've also been told to pray for my salvation and for redemption for those who have transgressed against me.
But it's hard to pray for my enemies when I'd rather see them brought down to their knees and slain by karma herself.
And I'm constantly under assault but I remain unbothered by the bombardment of others negative words.
Although over time the onslaught did rupture a crack within me and never was it mended or taken care of.
Therefore, as time went forward it just fractured and splintered until it shattered with explosive force, leaving me blinded by the radiance of my brokenness.
From then on out, I felt as though I was riddled with shards of glass that never seemed to be able to fully be removed from within me.
And at times it felt as though the pit of the ninth circle of hell seemed more like a paradise in comparison to the life I was but wasn't really living.
During my long hours of crying I came to realize that none of my tears seemed to clean up these stains on my soul nor did they wash away the pain that I felt.
So, I rose myself off the floor to which I was kneeling on and pondered the thought for a second;
Is their purpose to this pain is there an actual meaning behind all my suffering.
Is it possible to find beauty within all my brokenness and from this darkness that is within me?
And when I couldn't find the strength to answer my own inquiries or much less to pray for the answers -
I suddenly knew the answers to help me come to a startling revelation.
Which was, the broken pieces of my life are in fact a beautiful mosaic.
And not the means to my own demise...

Therefore, I began collecting the broken pieces of who I was, and the pieces of others that were part of me that was left behind.
So that I could create an awe-inspiring art piece.
The finished piece was a more wonderous, stunningly beautiful than I would have ever dreamed.
And I saw who it was that I truly am more so than when I was whole.
So go-ahead life, my demons and whoever so desires; Weaken my body, break my heart, shatter my dreams.
But know this you can't touch this soul of mine.
Cause I may seem dispirited, however, though in actuality my spirit is stronger than it ever was before.
Yet it does carry itself with a limp but that does not mean that I am weak or faulty, it just means that I and my spirit have some character.
So I'll take blow by blow from the onslaught of life's trials and tribulations and the biased hateful words of others.
But none those afflictions will not hinder my growth or affect me in any way shape or form however they just might knock me down.
But know this I shall slowly and gradually get back up.
And when I do, I will do so adapting, improvising, and overcoming that to which knocked me down.
So when you look at me I want everybody to know that is not a scab that you see upon me it is a beauty mark -
These scars upon me are not would you think they are there, no they aren't.
Instead, they are the indomitable armor of a mighty warrior who has faced his demons and beating them.
No those aren't bruises either that you notice they are my warpaint that I've willingly chosen to wear proudly.
I want all to know these tears are not for anyone in particular or any certain event.
No, these tears that I cry are for watering the seed of my former self that fell to the ground and died but over time will be nourished to the point where it will sprout forth a sturdy rooted tree of the new me.
So if anybody feels the need to chop me down or break me apart go right ahead, for I do not fret or care if you do.
Because, in all truthfulness, all that you're doing is adding more kindle to the fire that is already burning within me.
And in the end, the blaze will only be outdone and sized up by the mere fact of my rebirthed from the inferno just as a Phoenix does.
It is possible that my revival will shock all those who tried bringing me down by their biased hateful opinionated words and their doubt in my abilities.
So, is the world better off without me here in it?

*SIGH* Yeah, I won't deny that I use to think such a terrible thought.
Yet after having such a profound introspective rumination, I stop having such fixated thoughts about ending this life of wretched mine.
But, I realized that there were far too many people out of this great big world who just might be wandering aimlessly about lost, confused and angry in their darkness.
Merely because they yet to find or come across a mentor or a guide of sorts to help show them how to deal and cope with living with their depressional darkness.
So, if there's anybody out there in need of a mentor or guide I volunteer myself to be their mentor and/or guide to show them how it is they can live in contentment with their depressional darkness...