Things I won’t tell you

I wake up with the same shit on my mind often but I’d never say anything to you, not because I don’t think you’ll listen because in fact I know you will
but because I do not wanna make anything weird between us.  
Truth is, my always gotta have it perfect, please don’t waste my time, mean, cold hearted ass, is really none of that.  
That I in  fact nah definitely  
“I now I like you and I ain’t “crushed” in years-last time I did this I was 17 so to be 34 doing this is not usual
But I don’t want you as my relationship  
Hell i ain’t sure I even want that
But I do know for a fact  
that I like you around and I can’t help but let you lead( so you better not fold up. Lol) I’m serious tho 💋
That the little shit you do  
be having me in my feelings at least twice a week, that I care  
But it’s really  
No big deal that we don’t see each other for weeks
Because I’m scared to  
let you in and know about the horrifying shit i face.  
How I wanna let you in on all this but idk how,  
that I do not trust you with me  
but I trust you with everything else, deep shit like that.
 How I can understand Jill Scoot’s “lighthouse”  
It’s strange because I’ve never been the type of chick, who had no confidence and was scared to take that shot.  
Truth  is  
I’m a very confident chick maybe a little rude. So why tf I’m I just writing this about you instead of telling you.