What I Want to Say

In no order I’m reliving the moments, they’re projecting in front of my eyes.
It’s like watching the best movie ever, I wish I could watch it endless amount of times.. like..  
Remember that time you snuck in the house?
I bet you didn’t think you’d ever be moving out.
And remember each morning we made bacon and eggs?
And we’d eat by Brads couch; laughing, crossing our legs.
You used to drag me outside when we’d talk on the phone,
So we could both look at the moon and feel a little less alone.
And sleeping was so easy when we both stayed on the line,
And now I can’t sleep. I have nightmares every time.
And that summer we spent apart til I could take no more,
So on the phone we talked for hours while I walked along the shore.
And when we finally reunited, I knew it would happen all along.
God told me it would; we just had to hold on.
There’s the time at the park I could never forget
And when you kissed me on the floor; I would never regret
Picture us back in Idaho when we lived for the stars
We held eachother in wonder and everything but space felt far.
The night you ended up on my couch, I watched you cry to sleep.
In that moment I promised to protect & love you.. promises I can’t help but keep.
I was always scared to try new things and you’d lead me by the hand.
To parties and on go karts; I know you wanted to see me smile & laugh.
And laugh I did so much with you, it became as if my air  
Along with laying in our sweat as hopes and fears we shared.  
I’d hug you whenever you had to go, you wiped away my tears.
And as you’d rock me gently in your arms, I felt you watch us in the mirror.  
On the best night of my life, you slipped a ring onto my heart
In the snow I felt you holding me close through anything that would try to tear us apart  
7 am, Tuesday’s; you woke me up in your briefs
And then I’d skate to work after kissing you on the cheek.
And the indies we watched; we wanted to be them.
We wanted the clothes, the cheeseburger phones, and the awkward happy ends.
I remember falling deeper in love with the songs just because you were there.  
And now they hurt to listen to; but I still do, for you. It makes me cry but I don’t care.
I miss the drives we’d take, to see the ‘cactus’ and the trees.
In the back seat; becoming one body & soul, is still to this day the most beautiful thing.
And for a while I felt like I was skipping life; to let the wild things pass me, I felt old and lame..
So we made out on the counter and cooked up a steak, and got high on Deborah’s lane.
We’d watch the orange sun with the tulips behind our backs  
And you told me what life meant, and I cried to see you become a man  
To hold me as I shook; frail in my bed.  
I knew you were keeping me alive;
 
I’m sorry you had to grow up right then.
 
I’m sorry for the scares and the times I lost myself  
You promised to never leave me, you were like no one else.
And when we fought I felt so angry, but I felt ashamed so I’d cry  
Until I’d come down and you’d say “come here baby girl” and I knew it was love because we’d still try.
The neon screens lit our eyes, until we laughed ourselves to the middle of every night
And you carried me to bed, and you tucked me in tight..  
Sometimes you stayed if I asked you just right.
To feel every goose bump, every hair, every inch
The smell, taste, feel, of my skin on your skin.
Warm embrace, hair in mouth.
Moving under blankets with your feet sticking out.
Hushing you to quiet down; I loved the desire in your eyes.
Heavy breathing - nothing feels better than when we first collide.
And you love my eyes, my nose, my lips..
My body, my spirit; “even my appendix.”
If I could right now, I’d see your face - right here -
I’d push up your thick frames and hold your face to my ear.
I’d kiss you and remind you that through all the people that hurt us and left -  
I never once did, and I’ll do it all again.  
I’ll do this all again, a million times more  
And I’ll stay home for a few years til you come through the door.
And I’ll hug you and cry and you’ll hold me tight to your hip  
And we can finally share our last-first kiss.  
I know it’s what’s right; I know it as fact.
Im scared you’re pushing me away like all the other bad dads..
And the bad moms, the bad friends, all the people that didn’t stay long enough to see  
The way I see you. It’s like the way you see me.
I’ve always wanted to help you, to love you, to see you grow.
And you could push me in the ground to the other side of the world, and I’d still find a way to show
You how much I love you. I promised I’d never stop.
And I hold that promise for eternity, beyond comprehension. I promise you, me - whether you like it or not  
(And I’ll beg you please with as many cherries as you want).
I’m here for you, I’m here for the future. I’m here for the past and to make more memories to last.
As long as you exist, I promise I won’t leave you.
And I promise as much as you try to stop me, there’s nothing you can do. Because  
I love you,  
And I know..
 
You love me too.

But I can’t say this
Because it’s really over, isn’t it.
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