My Vulnerable Poem

I was born on May 16th.

That makes me a Taurus.  

Apparently, that means I’m unforgivably stubborn and unapologetic-ally compassionate at the same time.  

I’m 5’11” but most days it seems I’m 3’2”.  

I’m right handed but I’ve pretty much mastered painting my fingernails with my left hand.  

I love bad puns and I strongly believe pineapple belongs on pizza.

I never learned how to whistle and I’m a sucker for a guy with a deep voice, and clean teeth.  

I believe there’s two types of people in this world: People who lick the creme from their Oreo’s first, and the ones who eat them the wrong way.  

I’m not religious. I never really was, but any faith I had in God disappeared when my mother subtracted herself from the equation of my life. I don’t agree with blaming others for your faults, but I think I might be a better person if it weren’t for the things she put me through.  

I’m not strong enough to let things go. Forgiving is hard, forgetting is harder. I wear my past like an ankle bracelet, that’s probably why I spend most days in the safety of my own home.  

I’ve never broken a single bone but my heart’s been shattered enough times to account for every bone in this body. Maybe that’s worse than having your limb in a cast for (x) amount of days. It’s a damn miracle she’s still beating.  

I can’t sleep in silence. I have this constant fear that I’ll wake to the sounds of my demons crawling up the stairway from Hell, determined to take me back with them. That’s a battle I’ve both won and lost many times. I keep a night light on so I don’t wake to the familiar shadows I’ve come to know. You see, I fear the darkness because I know what it holds.  

I’m not very confident. I’m still learning to love myself, still learning to leave the table when respect is no longer being served, still learning that my self-worth is not held in the hands of the men I may love, I am still learning that I am as beautiful as the leaves falling from the trees at the grace of my name.  

If you’re into “bad girls” then I’m pretty sure I’m the girl for you. I can't cook, at all. When I try, I burn things. I’ve ran way too many red lights within the few years I’ve been driving. My room remains messy even after I spent a day cleaning it. I only wash my car when I get my oil changed, because then it’s free. I have a severe spending problem, if I’m not wearing my money somehow then I ate it.  Over-analyzing things seems to be what I’m best at. Twisting your words and creating a whole new meaning is a hidden talent. I tend not to think with logic, more so emotion.  I shut people out when I’m mad. All of my exes list that as a reason for breaking up with me when really, they should thank me. I only do that to shield people’s feelings...You’re welcome. I tend to say things I don’t mean and I know words are something that will plant gardens or burn whole forests down. Shutting myself out gives me time to think before I speak, I’d rather plant seeds than light matches.  My temper is that of a slowly filling glass. There’s not a problem or any signs until the liquid reaches the top. If you’re smart, you’ll find cover. I’m a woman of wounds. Some are visible to the eye, but others you may never see; or understand. I’m terrible at making eye contact. I can’t look into someone’s eyes without feeling like you’re trying to look into my soul and that’s not something you deserve to see yet. I don’t like revealing my depths because people are scared of drowning, so they always wait at the shore. If you aren’t going to swim deep with me then stay out of my waters.  

I have this odd fascination with the idea of soulmates. I guess you can blame that on the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic. Believing there’s someone out there made especially for me gives me hope that I won’t always be alone. Love is my religion.

I’m probably the most “old school” person you’ll ever meet. My favorite pictures to take are the ones you have to shake before seeing the beauty you captured. I love hand written letters; poems and I’m dying to go to a drive-in movie. I don’t believe in kissing before the third date and though it’s hard to find, I think chivalry still exists. I’m in love with Ol’ Blue Eyes, I think dancing under the stars classifies as one of the best dates ever and I love talking on the phone all night with a lover. I adore every single sunrise and sunset that I can. They’re two of the most beautiful things to witness. I believe the simple things in life are the absolute best. Home to me is being embraced in the arms of the one you love.  

If there’s anything in this life that I’m guilty of, it’s getting attached too quickly and giving someone my all when they only give me half of themselves. All I want is the effort that I give.  

Hi. My name is Autumn. I hate being interrupted. I do not want to be heard, I want to be listened to. I want each and every one of the words I speak to be thought provoking.  

I love finding the good in people. I adore the smell of antique shops and old books. I believe flaws are actually what make people beautiful.  I often find myself sleeping with my childhood blanket because it smells like better days. My spirit animal is a sloth, because just like them I stay being sleepy and early in the morning, very slow. I don’t want or need an umbrella when it rains because I love how soul cleansing it feels. My favorite flower is not one that can be bought in a bouquet. I love the Lotus for what it symbolizes and that’s enough for me. I do not need flowers to make me happy.

There is a special place in my heart for each person I’ve loved, no matter how much they hurt me. There are lessons and memories wrapped around each one of them, which I will hold onto forever.  

Birds chirping in the morning is my favorite way to wake up. I have an extremely long bucket list of things I’d like to do one day. Some are pretty ridiculous, but I hope they all happen. Singing in the shower is my favorite past time, even if I don’t sound good. I hate sleeping my day away. I always feel like the clock is ticking too fast, except when I’m at work, then the second hands turn into hour glasses.  

I’ve always loved people from the inside, out. I don’t care about your vessel, I want to know everything you carry inside. Sometimes I feel like the flower in everyone’s garden that never gets picked, but that’s okay because I will always pick myself. I love making 11:11 wishes, tossing coins into fountains and finding change that’s heads up.  

I’ve been bent and broken but I’m hoping into a better shape. The past doesn’t have to affect your future. After-all, it’s a long and wild ride, I’m just getting seated. I don’t know all of myself, yet. What a lovely, terrifying thought that is. I’m not the strongest person in the world, but I do know one thing: I am my own hero. And when I grow up, I hope I can see myself through the eyes I don’t know I have right now. I hate when people use the past against me because I’m not that person anymore, I’m standing in the ashes of the girl I used to be. I hope the woman I become will be proud.