True Story

This is a true story of a guy  
Who jumped from two stories high    
But don't you worry, he was fine    
Took but a moment to rise    
Like troops storming he cried    
    
That's when he closed his eyes    
Charging into the street as traffic flew by    
Overly eager for tragic goodbyes    
Darting forward to meet his sad afterlife    
     
Caught his feet on a rock    
Banged his knee when he dropped    
Started crawling, rolling, sliding    
Sprawled out like a roadblock    
You could tell, he was hoping    
The cars didn't stop    
Not only because he yelled boldly,    
"Hit me hard while I flop!"    
     
This was all getting a bit too weird    
I thought maybe I should interfere    
But just then a car steered near and had to veer    
Lost control and strolled
Right through my neighbor Ned's bedroom window    
     
The next second Ned was vexed    
When he looked down and saw that wreck    
Had severed his wife's head at the neck    
Her lips still wrapped around his member as she was dismembered    
It looked like he ejaculated while she was decapitated!    
I waved to give Ned some reassurance    
Relayed, "Just think of the insurance!"    
     
I sure hoped the driver of that car was okay    
So I took a little peek, and well, let's just say it wasn't their day    
     
I stepped away and turned back to the road    
That guy had somehow made it across on his own    
He seemed to disregard the carnage that he bestowed    
Now he was bouncing around on one leg    
Throwing punches at strangers    
Man I tell you, he was just BEGGING for danger    
     
I crossed and he hopped up, hobbling and wobbling    
Saw nothing in his eyes, oddly, not a thought was pondering    
He wasted no time dawdling    
Swung like he was wanting to give me a throttling    
     
But I caught him off guard    
Took out his good leg    
Wasn't much of a spar    
He went down like a loose dredge    
     
I heard his skull crack    
And thought "Damn, I better pull back"    
I didn't want a murder charge, that's a dull fact    
     
He came at me first, I was defending myself    
Plus I did him a favor, I was just ending his hell    
I reckon he fell with a smile wide like a clam shell    
     
I decided I could use some of whatever that guy was on    
Figured I'd search for his stash before the cops came along    
But I wouldn't let them catch me, I'm not singing no jailbird song    
     
Up the stairs to his apartment, I trespassed    
The door was unlocked, so I forged past    
Searched through his drawers and found that stash    
By then the police were out there acting rash    
I could even hear them blaming me for that crash!    
     
So I inhaled whatever this stuff was, it took only a dash    
To make me sprout wings    
Strip naked unabashed    
Undoubting    
I did a flip like an acrobat    
I soared out that open window    
It all happened so fast    
As I dove to the ground though    
I had my last laugh!