The Train Now Standing (Revised suggested by Missy)

Whoo-ee!
'Scuse me Dude...
I gots to go coool off... whew...
all that foreplay done exhausted me... I need a siesta. Ely

Dr Macleod recommends a clod shower and then a siesta :-))))))))

Hello  
 
Let me start by saying that most erotica is shit... however there is something about this piece that drew me in because it tells a story. What I do like about this piece is the subtle repetition that nods to the title of the poem. The repetition is onomatopoeic mimicking the sound of the train directly. So audibly, it’s a joy to read.  
 
I have a few suggestions if I may.  
 
My first consideration having heard how you speak is that you’re very much guilty (as am I) of typing exactly how you talk. A fine example of this is “the train is stationary and so I get on it”.  
 
I like to do something that I call a DF trim - digital fluff. So I go through and remove lines that perhaps don’t necessarily add anything and are purely colloquial. So “and so I get on it” doesn’t really add anything to this stanza. If it was me, I would remove this one line. The other thing I would do is add the one punctuation mark after kisses to break up the text and add an s to “sound(s):  
 
> The train is stationary  
It chuffs and hisses  
Sounds like kisses,  
Without thinking I pucker up  
Remembering her passion  
For those tongue twisters  
 
... can you see how much more fluid that is? It’s actually a genuinely lovely opener which flows really nicely into stanza 2.  
 
Using this in stanza 3, the same DF trim would apply to “it gets the train going” - because we already know the train is moving. So that is what I would cut because it feels redundant. The other thing I would suggest is combining the inner thighs line to trim a little more, and this also helps with the flow. This also fixes the double use of the word lick and licking. I’ve also fixed a couple of spells:  
 
>It starts to build a head of steam  
Hotness becomes wetness  
It chuffs and hisses  
Sounds like breathy sighs  
As I kiss those inner thighs  
And that beautiful ass  
Certainly needs licking  
 
The next stanza DF trim - can you see the repetition of the passion line on L3 & L6? I would remove “fashioned in passion” because it feels too much. Similarly I’m not sure how “the height of fashion” adds anything to the train metaphor, so I’d be inclined to remove that also. I think a line break to separate this stanza would also be beneficial:  
 
>The whistle is sounded  
Squeals of delight  
The train getting rhythmic  
Reflects the height of passion  
 
The train speeds up  
I must stoke the boiler  
Filling it gets us hotter  
The temperature rises  
The need for speed.  
 
I ummed a little over the word “sack” because initially it felt crass... but the more I thought about it, the more it fit into the train metaphor because it could be metaphoric for coal, steam, power, fuel. So maybe it’s perfectly ok.    
 
>Demands faster and faster  
much deeper stoking  
My sack is so full  
I need to empty it  
Into the boiler  
Cumming in unison  
The train slows down  
panting and moaning  
slows to passionate kisses  
And warm embrace.  
 
Stanza six I might suggest splitting in two, and changing the line “and get back on” which is a little clunky to “and return to my seat” because that also implies a return to normality which works rather nicely:  
 
>It chuffs and hisses  
With ever gentle kisses  
As the train pulls up  
To the next station  
 
I so enjoyed the ride  
The journey hasn't ended  
I get off for a cigarette  
and return to my seat  
 
I think the finisher is perfect as it is:  
 
>The train pulls out  
I am ready for the next  
Part of the journey  
It chuffs and hisses  
Sound like kisses  
My pistons are ready  
Fired up for another  
Round of foreplay  
 
I left all the capital letters because I know every poet is different and that this may just be your style. So in its entirety would read:  
 
The train is stationary  
It chuffs and hisses  
Sounds like kisses,  
Without thinking I pucker up  
Remembering her passion  
For those tongue twisters  
 
It starts to build a head of steam  
Hotness becomes wetness  
It chuffs and hisses  
Sounds like breathy sighs  
As I kiss those inner thighs  
And that beautiful ass  
Certainly needs licking  
 
The whistle is sounded  
Squeals of delight  
The train getting rhythmic  
Reflects heights of passion  
 
The train speeds up  
I must stoke the boiler  
Filling it gets us hotter;  
The temperature rises  
The need for speed  
 
Demands faster and faster  
Much deeper stoking  
My sack is so full  
I need to empty it  
Into the boiler  
Cumming in unison  
 
The train slows down  
Panting and moaning  
Slows to passionate kisses  
And warm embrace.  
 
It chuffs and hisses  
With ever gentle kisses  
As the train pulls up  
To the next station  
 
I so enjoyed the ride  
The journey hasn't ended  
I get off for a cigarette  
and return to my seat  
 
The train pulls out  
I am ready for the next  
Part of the journey  
It chuffs and hisses  
Sounds like kisses  
My pistons are ready  
Fired up for another  
Round of foreplay  
 
Obviously all suggestions are my own opinions and you of course don’t need to listen to a word I’ve said... lol. However, I do genuinely like this as an interesting piece of erotica and I genuinely think it deserves the work.  
 
Thank you for sharing.    
 
-M

WOW - a proper critique! All Ideas taken on board with extra coal :-)))

Thank you very much for this I really appreciate it :-)))))))

- Rick :-)))))))))))

Cleverly spun with allusions to the good old steam locos and how they worked.

I have a guilty pleasure - steam engines :-))))))))))))))))))))

thank you :-))))))))))))

Woah, great job meeting your challenge with great success! I love how you incorporated the little engine that could into the scenario.I'm loving it. I'm proud and so glad you followed through. Maybe I will try to wrap my head around a haiku and do a beautiful Scottish one!!

thank you I appreciate what you write and that was my inspiration, my muse. Not as subtle and alluring as yours but I will try again at some point :-))))

thanks for the inspiration :-))))))))

Aww, you're welcome hun. You did wonderfully, the alluring muse loves using and reading metaphors so you got an epic score over here. ;)