deepundergroundpoetry.com
Madly
Those few stars
they have a tone, as we were, with a rhythm, I don't want to hurt you, and a beat, but
the damage control isn't easy.
I promised it wouldn't be easy.
Struggle through the fog, I know you feel, and rain, something decent, and the sunshine, somewhere inside, the sky doesn't have any crude edges.
I never wanted to hurt
or hurt you.
The leaves begin to fall down, my mind is cramped, smoke fills the air in winter, with thoughts of you, and the spring won't come again, you will do your worst, until the snow has left its bitter chill on my insides.
Yet tonight, tonight when we're not there on the sofa
and we're not here in our tiny space making love and war
there are pieces of sunburn messing with my skin
and I miss you,
I just never wanted to hurt
or to hurt you
here, the sky doesn't have any crude edges
and we're not here in our tiny space making love and war.
they have a tone, as we were, with a rhythm, I don't want to hurt you, and a beat, but
the damage control isn't easy.
I promised it wouldn't be easy.
Struggle through the fog, I know you feel, and rain, something decent, and the sunshine, somewhere inside, the sky doesn't have any crude edges.
I never wanted to hurt
or hurt you.
The leaves begin to fall down, my mind is cramped, smoke fills the air in winter, with thoughts of you, and the spring won't come again, you will do your worst, until the snow has left its bitter chill on my insides.
Yet tonight, tonight when we're not there on the sofa
and we're not here in our tiny space making love and war
there are pieces of sunburn messing with my skin
and I miss you,
I just never wanted to hurt
or to hurt you
here, the sky doesn't have any crude edges
and we're not here in our tiny space making love and war.
Published 7th Nov 2011
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likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 6
reads 1035
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The author encourages honest critique.
7th Nov 2011 7:59pm
Hey, LA
really touching poem, with all it's different sides to it.
this line;
they have a tone, as we were, with a rhythm, and I don't want to hurt you, and a beat,
did you mean to stick 'and a beat, at the end of the line,
reading it out, it tends to work and it ties in with the repeating lines.
that said,a well written poem it is. i tip my hat to you (again)
really touching poem, with all it's different sides to it.
this line;
they have a tone, as we were, with a rhythm, and I don't want to hurt you, and a beat,
did you mean to stick 'and a beat, at the end of the line,
reading it out, it tends to work and it ties in with the repeating lines.
that said,a well written poem it is. i tip my hat to you (again)
8th Nov 2011 6:13pm
Thank you, Eamon - made an edit. Hope that's better. Glad you liked this. :)
7th Nov 2011 10:18pm
8th Nov 2011 6:17pm
Anonymous
7th Nov 2011 10:46pm
Making love and war is a great line. Enjoyed the whole journey.
tornado
tornado
Anonymous
11th Nov 2011 00:31am
The first half of the poem feels like a narrative assembled from jumbled line fragments, creating a non-linear effect. For instance: "they have a tone, as we were, with a rhythm, I don't want to hurt you, and a beat"; in a linear poem "and a beat" would come after "with a rhythm". There's also a tense shift from "they have a tone" to "as we were". Intentional or not it's a compelling technique, and emphasises the lyrical quality of this poem.
The latter half develops a soothing rhythm as the narrator becomes more clearly defined. The "love and war" refrain is neat, rounding off the poem well. Thanks for the read, LA.
The latter half develops a soothing rhythm as the narrator becomes more clearly defined. The "love and war" refrain is neat, rounding off the poem well. Thanks for the read, LA.
