Before She Goes to Sleep

Before She Goes to Sleep
November 2, 2018


She woke up
Somehow she had missed the years going by
Waiting for the first gray hair, she can’t help but wonder how many more years there will be left for her
Although knowing she was still young, her body felt old
Living fast preparing to die young her whole life

For the first time she thinks
Maybe a smile that wrinkles would be beautiful
To see the years of laughter shining through the skin
Realizing that when she gets there, health will matter

Changing daily routines to better fit a better fit future
Coffee, cigarette, maybe only half
Go to work
Burning the biscuits
Careful with the hot wracks, who needs another scar

Clock out
She thinks why do I still have a job where I have to clock out, am I sure I never wanted kids
Maybe I would’ve been a good mom

Headed home
Take the dog to the park, she needs to have a happy long life with me too
Dinner
Grocery store meat department, maybe something different today
Maybe a salad, nah, mashed potatoes
Six pack
Do I really need to be drinking a six pack alone, I mean she
New Routine
1 craft beer
Yeah
1 craft beer a night, for now
Baby steps

Maybe she has been baby stepping for too long though
Maybe there is no more time for tip toeing through life
She’s not afraid of death
Just terrified of never having lived

Feeling the need to leave behind something, anything
In her thirties and feeling as though she has yet to begin
Back to school
Overwhelmed and excited, also scared to fail for it will surely seal her fait
Not wanting to be a cook anymore, minimum wage poverty bullshit
Finally seeing a longer path in front of her

Seeing a glimpse of the woman she always wanted to be, but never believed
she could
Exercise a little more, smoke a little less
Less cheese
But then what’s the point in living
Focus
Maybe just less pizza
Never mind
There are other ways to stay healthy
Definitely smoke less
Walk to the park instead of driving
More often
Digressing
What does she want, What do I want

Maybe just to look back and know that I wasn’t an asshole
Be satisfied with my choices and my actions that followed
To know that I refused to ever hold my tongue and fight for those who deserved it, who deserved a better life
To have at least one hand to hold as I say goodbye to this world
I don’t now
Maybe
Maybe that’s all she wants
Before she goes to sleep

Elizabeth I Smith