Much Ado About Nothing    

Luvs, Darlings, Sweeties,
thespians, lesbians, and has-beens,
Tarts, Farts, and Passionate Hearts,
Dinner Suits, Boots, Old Coots,
Frumps, Humps, Those down in the dumps,
Seers, Queers, Sweet Old Dears,
Purists, Jurists, American Tourists,
Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen, Children,
all other members of the human race and Drama critics,

"What the Hell do you think you are doing?"

Sitting there night after night, paying inflated prices
to watch busty middle aged women and brainless
young men prance around in tights performing.
No, not as one might expect a right wing fund raiser
 nor a live sex show at the Windmill Theatre,
not even the latest episode of Star Wars

"People are still going to see Shakespear plays!"

I remember my first experience of observing this drivel.
Our school arranged a trip to the theatre to see
A performance of " A Mid-summer Nights' Dream".
A trip to a hospital theatre for rectal surgery would have
been more enjoyable. I had misheard our cardigan wearing,
yoghurt making, right-on English teacher,
I thought that she had said that the fairy's
name was "Fuck" not "Puck": Fuck the fairy,
I thought, sounded like my idea of a good night out,
I mean it's not really gay if you don't push back
I was to be sadly disappointed.

"I mean what the fuck is it all about?"

It's obvious that William did not go to big school as
his grasp of English is somewhat lacking, his dialogue
rarely makes sense, his historical dramas are bloody boring,
his comedies are as about as funny as raging tooth ache,
his love stories less convincing than a Barbara Cartland novel,
in fact if the truth be known his complete works
are complete shite. However I do not blame him entirely,
Where was Mrs Shakespeare ? ,
why didn't she try to stop him?
a well placed agitated bayonet rammed
under the rib cage would have done the trick,
constant interruptions for tea and coffee
nagging about grass needing cut or
nagging that some shelves need putting up
would have at least reduced the amount a crap
he was producing. I would suggest that she was
in fact a theatre critic hence her inability to make
any physical movement without the assistance of an
electric wheelchair and copious amounts of heroin
her lack of enough brain prevented her from being
able to tell difference between arse and elbow.
What about his friends, sadly he only had a few friends
which he gained by joining a local voluntary organisation,
(S.H.I.T.S)Stratford Homosexual Illiterate Transvestites Society
to give it it's full title were very supportive to William,
supplying tights, cod pieces, frilly blouses and the occasional
pink taffeta ball gown, they also occasionally supplied costumes
to the actors as well. Sad though his life was, hardly an excuse or
justification for pages and pages of torturous bilge, for example :

" To be or not to be that is the question "

Bollocks,
that's not a question, not a real question,
not like;
Are Muslim Butchers pig ignorant ?
Mr. Dick Spring, Irish politician or vibrating sex toy ?
Is Doris Day an annual holiday
If only 25% of road fatalities are caused by drunk drivers
shouldn't we outlaw driving while sober ?
These are real questions, important questions;
William Shakespeare, Literary genius or a talentless git ?now there's a question,

" Beware the eyes of March "

William proves his standing as one of the great illiterates
March, spelled M - A - R - C - H, Clearly there are no I's in March..

" All the worlds' a stage "

Flat, square and made of wood.
Obviously geography and natural history
were part of the William's "things I never did at school" list.
William was in fact a member of the Flat Earth Society  
And firmly believed that one could fall of the edge of the world
Into, I assume, the orchestra pit known as deep space.
If all the worlds' a stage where's the dressing rooms
more importantly where's the bar

" Frailty,.....Thy name is woman "

If this is so, I would like to have William's body exhumed,
jolted back to life with a 2000 volt electrical charge, and then
made to explain :
Boadicea
Cleopatra
Myra Hindley
Margaret Thatcher
Gillian Shepherd
Rosemary West
and my sodden ex-wife and my bloody Mother-in-law

" A horse,....a horse,.....my kingdom for a horse. "

A cry one would expect from a mindless drunk sitting
penniless in the betting shop 5 minutes before the last
race at Ascot, Not from a disabled and deranged member  
of the Royal Family who's just had the shit kicked out of him.

"Friends, Romans, Countrymen,......Lend me your ears."

Mathematics and money matters were obviously
not one of William's fortes. It's clear that he had
not experienced the joy of being poor waiting for
one's welfare cheque to arrive from Social Security.
He had obviously attended the Gangsta school
of debt recovery techniques where cutting of ears
is a favourite method of encouraging debtors to pay up.
However he failed to understand that throughout the history
of mankind, hacked off ears have never been acceptably used
as a valid currency unless you were planning a vacation in Iran.

" Romeo,.......Romeo,........Where for art thou,..Romeo ? "

I've buggered off to join the French Foreign Legion,
this play is complete shite and I know how it ends,
granted you are truly a fair beauty and I like the way
you hang your breasts over the balcony, I even admire
the way you are able to lick out the cheese between your
toes and even although your ability to suck the flesh out
of a banana without breaking the skin is a complete turn on,
I am unable to remain, and trying to ply me with cheap
Austrian wine which smells like anti-freeze will not on this
occasion work, I know that you are afraid to sleep alone in
the dark but remember it is far better to sleep with the light
on than it is to wake with a hard on. So good-bye my love
I will always think of you fondly or is it think of you fondling,
anyway I'm off

" William Shakespear: Shall I compare thee to a summers day ? "

No, but I shall instead compare thee to Donald Trump another  
talentless arse who like you has about as much appeal as having
an internal rectal examination performed by Freddy Kruger