Groundhog Awakening

 
how many times did it really have to happen?
To wake discovering any or all of the following

Cold, wet urine soaked sheets and blankets
One bit of peanut butter toast stuck to my face
The other bit of toast stuck to my inner thigh
A used condom hanging between my butt cheeks
The front door left wide open, everything stolen
A relatively fresh human jobbie in the kitchen sink
Only one of my shoes is found; in the microwave
A large aluminium Police Stop sign in the lounge
A dead Celtic supporter enclosed in bubble wrap
Mum watching interracial porn on a loop catatonically
A spicy pepperoni pizza stuck to the toilet window
A naked woman sleeping face down her ass painted
Looking in the mirror, both eyebrows shaved off
Four stray dogs locked in the double wardrobe
A Jehovah's witness nailed to the kitchen cupboards
A headless welfare benefits inspector in the garden
A dead swan underneath the bedroom sheepskin rug
A note from Big Mad Malkie saying 'Ya're dead ya poof'
A note from Big Malkie's Gran 'Hurt ma boy an A'll cut ye'
One thousand, empty bottles hanging on the wall
Finding out the crack you were smoking was aspirin
Finding out the crack you smoked was your best buddy
A wreath on the front door saying 'RIP Fiona Smart'
Finding out that Fiona Smart was Big Malkie's mother
A rancid pile of vomit in the bath, a guy stirring it
Your car on fire; a sign saying Big Malkie was here
Downing a can of lager with six floating cigarette butts
Vomiting lager and cigarette butts on your Mums head
Forgetting my own name: Pretty sure it's not Gertrude
There's 3 dead blue faced friends; had snorted toilet block
Finding a policeman's hat with the ice pick still in it
I went out last night with £20 now I have £300
Six prostitutes arrive saying I hired them for breakfast
Realising with relief I am not really in my own house
Waking up in the intensive care ward; dead / deadish
Realising that my furry tongue contains real fur (cat)
Thinking what I need now is another ten vodkas or so

You'd think by now I would know
That I am a consummate alcoholic: