One Final Philosophy

“Philosophy,” as we used to say

Have my final one for old times’ sake

and my weeping heart on display





I loved you when you were shoeless

loved you during those times of uncertainty

We kicked off our adventure

after you claimed my longing heart

but one of my most painful laments

Neglecting these innermost sentiments





My body poisoned by venom

and plagued by fear

fearful of giving my love

but your gaze and all your idiosyncrasies

My oh-so needed antidotes

I loved you despite your insecurities

proved it with my kisses

And you loved me despite mine

as I had done you proved it to me





Once your antidote went into effect

It opened my eyes and I realized my love

but the damage had been done

I inflicted that venom unto you

No stranger to mistakes

They ended up costing me you

The most genuine and worthwhile

but had I been more aware

I would still have what in this world,

I loved most





I made mistakes

that I regret

with each passing day

I’m the bad guy

and for that

I will never forgive myself





One last encounter you granted

before we parted ways and gave our goodbyes

and I was left me utterly broken

with pains I had never felt before

albeit pains I completely deserved





A painful summer and autumnal silence

Until we agreed to our rendezvous

Brought light back into my life

and gave me a happiness I did not deserve

Found my missing puzzle pieces

when your arms and lips met mine

Pieces taken away from me

like flesh ripped off my skin

But now those wounds could heal

along with our reunited love





Or so I thought

The damage was done

beyond repair

Know that I’m cognizant

of each of my wrongs

so that being said

Enough talking down on myself





Days passed

and passed some more

and just kept passing

without one word from you

Eons busier than I

I understood

or so I thought

Feigning understanding

I said it was okay

It wasn’t





Even if I were the president

Sunday through Monday

Your name would be in my agenda

for a conversation

or at minimum

a mere hello





Understanding?

Spite.

Pettiness.  





Despite disheartenment

Feelings of doubt

Worthlessness

I loved you regardless





Opposite paths in life

Opposite goals and interests

Upbringings and attitudes

But without second thought

I’d have walked the other

and never looked back





Envisioning my future

I saw a life without kids

In its place

Traveling the world

Living in the mountains

or in the country

the other path

I saw joy

I saw you and moondances to come

Memories waiting to be lived





Envisioning your future

Entailed traveling

Free spiritedness

Like poles on a magnet

We differed in every way

Your vision forsook me

You were rooted in mine

We had the universe to conquer

but where was I to be found in yours?





For years I would have waited for her

In countless ways I’d have changed my life for her

Faced my biggest fears for her and sacrificed my life for her

But now I can only be reminded of her

through songs

through keepsakes

through photos

and by my hopeless, longing memory





Here we are

and these abysmal pains too

Perhaps without the pains

had we been able to be one

had I been able to one day have

my greatest desire in life





Good luck finding love

A love as profound as mine

I can say the same to myself

Only granted by a miracle

will I love another beautiful woman more

than how I loved you

You will always serve as a comparison

Any future sentiments will forever pale

to those given to my first true love





Life is short, pain is long

My love is eternal

It deserves to be fully requited

May I hurt her no more

poison her no more

May she no longer race my mind

or make me question my own worth

May we make each other suffer no more

Have my last verses ever written for you

The last time my fingers create for you

Because after these words, I move on





But nonetheless, with the grandest love I have ever given, with the deepest regret that we can’t be, with sweet memories I will never cease to cherish, and with the most sorrowing pain of my life,

May we meet again.

_____ Garcia.  3/11/18.