The Self Loathing and Self Love of aSurvivor (rewritten)

People who have lived like me have our own victimology.
Head doctors have their names for everything. And I have a string of letters longer than theirs behind my name.
 They all think they understand and they can fix me with their twisted plans.  I think that's reason for a damn good laugh. Most shrinks are totally unable to even
understand their chosen craft .
 My problems though i hide them aren't very hard to see. But i long ago accepted the hand that fate has dealt to me. The anger and pain in my blood
still roars. Carefully I lock it behind infinite doors.
  sometimes I remember the child and what she thought was meant to be. On special nights she dances still innocent through my memory.
 There was a vivid point in time when my future was decided. They made a woman from a girl the act revoltingly one sided. Those men never spoke to me as though
I didn't have a voice. And no matter how pitifully i begged I wasn't given any choice
it was finally beaten into me that to live i must submit. I did everything I had to and then the drugs helped me to forget.
I knew with each and every one what was in store for me... some of them just wanted to live a harmless fantasy There were Some who liked whips... kinky and wild.
 But the worst ones were only there to violate a helpless child.
 At first I looked down and watched what they did from up above denying that I was the whore they would fuck and slap and shove.
 Finally I had enough packed everything I could. Caught a ride with a trucker and paid him the only way I could.
 i laughed and ran and danced i thought i was finally free. wasn't that exactly what I had craved  so very long to be? I learned some hard lessons along life's terrifying
 way and there are many times tears don't begin to wash the hurt away.
I didn't plan my life this way but its done and over and there's nothing I can do
Besides you can't tell anyone when it was judges and deacons spending their extra time with you.
 The trial behind those charges would be such an utter bore it would all come down to the word of a judge against the word of a common whore.
 The men carrying the power are the true heartless contrivers. Those like me aren't victims we are the TRUE SURVIVORS.