burning

I want to peel back my flesh and show you  
Show you deep down just how warped I really am  
I have no soul to speak of I lost that long ago  
That thing is long gone lost among the wreckage  
The wreckage that I call my “life” if you will  
Haven’t don’t much that I can say I am proud of  
Why did I crash and burn?  
That’s easy  
I didn’t really crash though it was an implosion  
Self-destruction  
Everything so wound up tight  
The abuse, fear, hatred  
No not fear terror, terror of what was next  
I could handle the hatred from my mother  
The drunken beating and the sob story in the morning  
I could even handle the absentee father  
Who could only be bothered when he needed an alibi  
What really made me snap were the sleepless nights  
How was I going to tell my mother what happened  
I knew she would call me a liar  
The bruises could easily have been hers  
But the baby that one was impossible to explain  
She still doesn’t know never will  
What gives her the right?  
I changed that night  
In a pool of my own blood tottering on the edge  
The edge of life and death  
But the blood, so much coming out of me  
My frail body convulsing and twisting in agony  
On a friends dirty bathroom floor  
As my young body aborted the child I had just decided to keep  
That night I died in all the ways except the one that really counted  
Tears gushing down my face as I hold my little angel in my arms  
Begging for this to be a nightmare something I can wake from  
Something other than what it really was  
That night I became someone different, something different  
I was heartless, careless, downright cold blooded  
There was no going back at that point why would I want to  
The new me was better she couldn’t be hurt riding that trill  
Seeking greater highs, climbing higher and higher  
Never afraid to fall to the ground  
I guess you could say I wanted to fall  
But not because I wanted to die, but to feel something  
Something other than terror and hatred  
And I found it, on top of a water tower  
Sitting with my feet dangling over the edge  
Knowing that no one could stop me  
For once I was fighting on my own terms