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i had no one.
 
yes, i suppose i was dating someone at the time; but he didn’t love me. he never did. suddenly i was blessed with his presence. someone who looked cold as ice, but eventually melted into a warm spring day. he told me i was spring. said my darkness made the stars shine brighter at night. that he truly cared for me like no one else had. and i felt the same.  
 
but happiness doesn’t last for me, it never has. a planned trip fell through and i know he blamed me for it; a mutual friend admitted he still does. maybe i wasn’t ready, maybe i was scared. but that was enough for him to give up on me forever. but i was hopelessly in love with him. i thought he was the one. he made me feel so special, the kind of special that makes your heart beat hard against your chest in believing you’d be together with them one day.
 
so i waited.
 
and waited.
 
and waited.
 
and waited.
 
months passed, flings had and kisses shared. he jumped from lover to lover, while i suffered in silence; still waiting and hoping for him to choose me. i would cry at night and beg whatever god out there for him to please notice me, someone who would love him for who he was and would treat him right. someone he didn’t have to hide from. someone i had sacrificed my time with friends and family for. someone i thought was my soulmate. my red string. but he never wanted me like that again. and i accepted it, eventually. love never works out for me, it was never meant to. my first ever boyfriend broke up with me because i wouldn’t have sex with him when i was still in junior high. my boyfriend of 6 years, who i had previously thought was my soulmate, cheated on me behind my back and would break up with me to be with only girls, only to crawl back weeks later. and i would take him back. the emotional abuse of never feeling like enough and making my depression weak or belittled made me try to take my life several times. i never succeeded, but how i wished i did.
 
but suddenly, a light. a soft, lavender light gazed upon me. a pale hand, a friendly face, reaching out for me. i tried to deny this light, snuff it out with the shadows that overwhelmed my presence. but the light dissolved the shadows, and eventually grabbed my own hand and held on tightly. saw me for my darkness, my pain, my illness–– and accepted it. he held on tightly, reassuring that he wanted all sides of me. that he loved me for me; not the façades i created to lure love my way. he loved every broken piece of me. and for the second time in my life, i believed him. i knew this was a rare love, one that couldn’t be found every day. one where they truly understand the other. my red string. my other half. for once, i was happy.
but my best friend, the one i had loved before them, wasn’t pleased by the shift in affection and attention. he was upset, angered even. said i didn’t care about him anymore–– but i did. he was still my friend. i cared for him still. maybe i’m bad at keeping more than one strong friendship, but i was never given the chance to redeem myself. he said i was different. that i had changed. but i hadn’t. the only thing different was my relationship status.  
 
he told me i used him. said i played him for a fool. said my love was a ‘substitute’ for the loneliness forever in my heart. said that i needed to change my ways, that i dropped him like he was nothing. and for a moment; i thought he was right. but then i remembered his words were similar to my ex-lover. one that had emotionally and mentally abused me for years on end. i knew it wasn’t my fault. i would never give up this love that i had found for a friend who only wanted me around for the constant attention, his need to feel close to someone who worshipped the very ground he walked on; a false martyr. it was always about him and his constant need to fix me. yes, i am broken. i am torn. i am a shattered, beaten, worn down, ugly soul. but i don’t need anyone acting like they are my only salvation to being whole again.
 
my love knows this. he know that i am used and broken. but he embraces me. he loves me anyway. he doesn't try and dictate my life with what i need to do to be fixed. he lets me take it one step at a time, he is patient and kind. he knows i am responsible for myself, he trusts me. he holds me when i can’t stand being in my own mind, when i have the need to rip apart my flesh until i am raw and bleeding, when i suddenly feel nothing. he comforts me, ground me. brings me back home. he is my salvation, my guiding star in the darkness that is my being. the one that i will always come home to. the one i will fight for with every fiber of my being if necessary.
 
if i had to make the choice between the two again; it would be him. every single time.