Just the Little Things Inside that Keep me Alive

I tried to end my life yesterday
I TRIED
I was going to hang myself with my favorite belt but I couldn't make it work
why is it so hard to just DIE?

I thought of my ex- husband and my daughter when I was hanging there
not dying
just swinging with my toes barely touching the floor

I didn't want my daughter to find me in the living room
that is our favorite part of the house

While I was struggling I thought about what it's like to be dead
just gone, nothing more

I don't know if I believe in an afterlife or not
maybe that's why I wanted to do it
other than the fact that I felt more alone than ever when my husband left

the last thing I thought about before I went unconscious right before I fell to the ground was a question
Did I turn on the stove to cook dinner?
it's the trivial things like that that kept me alive up until yesterday
even still today

Thinking about it now I don't know why the universe didn't let me die
now I'm glad it didn't
Emily just got home from her dad's and it's time to cook dinner again