12/09/1980 - my 1st poem

"Aisumasen Renee"

I can’t believe
I trashed our friendship with my pen
Can you believe
Renee, Aisumasen?

How could I not know
You would be hurt, so shaken
How can I show
Renee, Aisumasen?

What now can I do
To hear you say, “You’re Forgiven”?
I’m such a fool
Renee, Aisumasen

What else can I do
To make us friends again?
What will we do
To make this loss a gain?

What should I have said?
You would not hear my words then
What I should have said
Renee, Aisumasen

What can I now say?
There is a word I have heard
This word I will say
Renee, Aisumasen
  
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*(12/09/1980)  
My first real poem, please read my comment below on its creation. I'm not looking for critcal reviews of this poem, it is not one of my best works, as likely no one elses first poem a masterpiece. The story behind the inspiration for it is more important than the actual poem, but what it was able to accomplish is what makes it the most important one I have ever written. The lesson I learned after writing “Aisumasen Renee” has guided every poem I have written since.    
  
I had not been planning to post this on here. But after getting several comments and PM's about my poems being very personal and from the heart, I thought it might be a good idea, as it both saves a lot of explaining the same story over and over, and because I hope it helps to explain why I have continued to write poetry 37 years after and perhaps inspire others to reach deep down inside as often as possible. You never know when something you write may change your life.
jj
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I wrote Aisumasen Renee in the early morning hours after John Lennon was killed, during my
Senior year in high school. I had been up all that night after hearing about John’s death and decided there was no way I was going to school that morning. A couple of weeks before, just prior Thanksgiving break, I had done a terrible thing. There was a girl named Renee who was a sweet, innocent person that I had a huge crush on and wanted in the worst way to date.  
 
I was in Electrical shop and Renee was in Cosmetology class across the hall. After finishing an exam early that day, I went to the back of the class and started writing a love letter to her. It started out very nice, but a few minutes later a couple of kids in class finished their exams and came over to see what I was up to. Well, as teenagers will do, they started teasing me and making suggestions as to what I should write in the letter. That was when all the trouble started.  
 
I should have put the letter away and finished it at home, but peer pressure got the best of me and I wound up writing a dirty, nasty letter instead of the love letter I had intended to write. Whatever possessed me to give it to her after “we” were finished writing it is beyond my comprehension still. I gave it to a kid that was going to have his hair cut in the Cosmo class and he set it on her desk when she wasn’t looking. What happened next is painful and embarrassing to this day.  
 
I could hear her crying from across the hall. Then I saw her walk past the classroom door into the office next door with tears running down her face. I’m not sure if I was more sorry for hurting her, or more afraid of what was about to happen to me. It’s awful to think I was worried about getting in trouble, but it’s the truth. Making her cry hurt me deeply, but the fear of the consequences was also very strong.  
 
Then came the moment of truth I had to confess writing the letter. I had not signed it, with good reason, but I knew I would not get away with it, so there was no point in denying the inevitable. I went into the office, confessed and cried my eyes out. Renee wanted to know who had written the letter and she came to the door and saw me sitting there. She started crying again and ran away.  
 
I felt like the lowest scum of the world and wanted to run away myself. Somehow I managed to avoid disciplinary action at school for it. Getting away with it was the worst thing that could’ve happened. All I could think about over the next few weeks was how I might apologize to her. Then came the night John Lennon was shot and I heard the song “Aisumasen”. It seemed like such a beautiful word and I knew immediately that it was the right one for me to let Renee know how I was feeling. I wrote the poem shortly after the song finished playing.  
 
The next day I did not go to school because I was too upset and tired from having been up all night. I got up that afternoon and went to the mall to see if I could find a card that was appropriate for the poem. I found the perfect card with Snoopy apologizing. It just said “I’m Sorry” and that was all it had to say. Then as I was walking to the counter to pay for it, I saw this little statue of Snoopy crying and it also said, “I’m Sorry” on the base. I picked it up and got them both. After I wrote the poem in the card, I packaged them together in a box and mailed it to her. Renee forgave me and we became friends for a time after that. If I had not written that letter, I would never have started writing poetry. Still, I would rather not have written any of my poems if it meant I could go back in time and stop myself that day.  
 
After she forgave me I came to realize how important that poem had been in the repenting process. I don’t know for sure how much of an impact it had on Renee’s forgiveness of me, but it most definitely affected me very deeply. Knowing that I could express my feelings to someone through a poem, and having my apology accepted, gave me a sincere respect for poetry. It wasn’t just an exercise in class anymore; it was a learning experience in life.  
 
It was then that I decided I would continue to write poetry and only write it when my feelings inspired me to write. Poetry is not a game where practice makes perfect. I will not force poems out just to write something, even though all the books about how to write poetry tell you to write every day, as often as possible. To me, it seems false, like writing to please an audience rather than express what is in my heart. For me, that expression is the only reason to write poetry. jj