deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Change in Routine
While making Thai
I felt my eyes
well with creative rain
the white crane
that is my soul
stooped
head drooped
over boiling peanut oil
afraid to spoil
the moment, I plated
and sedated
an urge
to purge
the mundane
from my brain
so I made you Thai . . .
goodbye
Published 13th Nov 2017
| Edited 14th Nov 2017
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14th Nov 2017 1:18am
This captures the essence of a routine moment in a domesticate relationship perfectly. So many people go through the motions of day to day life without their full heart in it.
Technically it's a splendid poem; however. . .'goodbye' seems out of place. Perhaps if you space for emphasis, it would have more impact.
The only additional things I could suggest would be to lose 'and' in L4 and 8. If you space after L7, it would create a pause that I feel would serve well as a bridge leading into a separate yet joined thought ( from the kitchen to the table ). Also, I would comma after moment.
over boiling peanut oil
afraid to spoil
the moment, I plated
and sedated
The 'and' in L10 works, even creates a nice alliteration with afraid, and assonance with played and sedated.
I would substitute 'an' for 'the' in L11 since you use it in L13. Also, 'an' would continue both the alliteration and assonance from the previous lines and the following ones nicely.
an urge
to purge
the mundane
from my brain
so I made you Thai
goodbye
See how the space builds tension? I might even consider an ellipses after Thai. . .to add even more of a train of thought shifting.
It's a good poem.
Technically it's a splendid poem; however. . .'goodbye' seems out of place. Perhaps if you space for emphasis, it would have more impact.
The only additional things I could suggest would be to lose 'and' in L4 and 8. If you space after L7, it would create a pause that I feel would serve well as a bridge leading into a separate yet joined thought ( from the kitchen to the table ). Also, I would comma after moment.
over boiling peanut oil
afraid to spoil
the moment, I plated
and sedated
The 'and' in L10 works, even creates a nice alliteration with afraid, and assonance with played and sedated.
I would substitute 'an' for 'the' in L11 since you use it in L13. Also, 'an' would continue both the alliteration and assonance from the previous lines and the following ones nicely.
an urge
to purge
the mundane
from my brain
so I made you Thai
goodbye
See how the space builds tension? I might even consider an ellipses after Thai. . .to add even more of a train of thought shifting.
It's a good poem.
14th Nov 2017 2:07am
Goodbye was too easy a resolution maybe, I was trying to think of additional closes,
The rest of your suggestions were spot on as usual :-)
The rest of your suggestions were spot on as usual :-)
