Utter Bliss

Utter Bliss?

I sit and count the pieces to my shattered heart
I'll never be able to put it together again
Distant thoughts of a lost childhood
Misery relived from the past
I'm dwelling on every part
As a child, adolescent, woman. Did I sin?
I think of these times, nothing good
I should shed these feelings, I must!
But like a cancer, they begin to spread
Emotions caked full of rust
No matter road I led
Every turn, irrevocable pain
Will I ever be able to trust?
Can't seem to shake this disdain
Little girl, Why did he lust?
Adolescent, Why did he beat?
Woman, Why did her batter?
Did fate play a hand in my life?
Meant to suffer, destined to survive?
When all I want is to disappear
No more crying, or disgust
Just silence in my head
My whole body completely numb
Then I wish I were dead!
Sweet quiet oblivion, to sease my soul
Would this day ever come?
To death, I would run
Just to stop this beating drum
Emotions would be suddenly still
My heart with no pulse
My mind with no mill
My stomach with no repulse
My body drift, like a petal blowing in the wind
Complete and utter bliss
For this I do wish

Chelley Bean Poetess