deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Breath
it's all in your mind
I think you know
whenever you find
you're high or you're low
where happiness streams
which flow along
can change in your dreams
from right into wrong
whatever you think
what you believe
is just a mind link
it's bound to leave
you're just a breath
a cloud in space
awake until death
some night when you face
slipping away
mind letting go
the end of the day
the end of all woe
happiness streams
which flow along
change into dreams
in which you belong
it's all in your mind
I think you know
whatever you find
wherever you go
you're just a breath
a cloud in space
awake until death
which we must all face
I think you know
whenever you find
you're high or you're low
where happiness streams
which flow along
can change in your dreams
from right into wrong
whatever you think
what you believe
is just a mind link
it's bound to leave
you're just a breath
a cloud in space
awake until death
some night when you face
slipping away
mind letting go
the end of the day
the end of all woe
happiness streams
which flow along
change into dreams
in which you belong
it's all in your mind
I think you know
whatever you find
wherever you go
you're just a breath
a cloud in space
awake until death
which we must all face
Published 25th Aug 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 3
reads 873
Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
27th Aug 2017 2:18am
I like the rhythm and rhyme in this, as I usually do. This has a faster pace and the inflection of your words has improved.
This makes a big difference. You have most of the skills down wonderfully, excellent speaking voice, deep and inspiring words.
I feel like the only thing that I would recommend working on is the inflection of your words (not to an extreme) but to subtly emphasize the words in your lines, instead of the same words in every line. I believe that this would add life and impact to your work. I hope my comment helps, friendly feedback. Great work
This makes a big difference. You have most of the skills down wonderfully, excellent speaking voice, deep and inspiring words.
I feel like the only thing that I would recommend working on is the inflection of your words (not to an extreme) but to subtly emphasize the words in your lines, instead of the same words in every line. I believe that this would add life and impact to your work. I hope my comment helps, friendly feedback. Great work
9th Feb 2019 9:04pm
9th Feb 2019 10:29pm
