It Would Be So Easy

It would be so easy to sink into the neatly shaped place of mine beneath him.

To bury my feelings in lustful cradled coffins of forgetting.

I could lose my heart in the rage he rapes my self perception with.

Allow myself be numb in the mindless empty moments.

I look for a trap door to fall into.

Avoidance is key because to face the icy, hot emerald of your stare Is to mold myself to you....

Searching your pockets for the change in myself while I fall helplessly...

I'm still falling!!!

But to keep falling is to trust...

to expect that your hands will extend to catch me in your grip.

I elude the grip of your hand on my cheek allowing him grip my grinding purposeless hips.

What am I doing here?

Doing him to change your feelings for me to nothingness.

But you still wait!!!!

I still fall...

to the floor...

Him beating my bottomless soul with his fists..

Hoping for death....running from more.

You may pick up my broken and bruised and fragile form and mend, sew, caress my troubled mind back together.

Kill the sadness that lives in me while dying in a bed I made myself....

but to trust is to hurt and I fear you will do something else.

Something else being a possibility I crawl to him as a dog crawls to it's master....

Punishment for me thinking I deserved more then empty promises and broken bones.

Why do I subject myself to him?

I can no more remove myself from him then I can peel my eyes from the thought of you alone.

I love....you...
I love you
I am alone....

Don't deserve you....

What am I doing here?

I with him is the coldness of truth but I can't remove my grasp from you.

Why do I put up with this?
Why do I subject myself to this nothingness?


When I said I didn't love you anymore....

Walked away leaving you with your tears...
Lonely in your longings....

 you should know I died a hundred times...

I loved you enough to not allow you the sorrow that is my life.

But still you stand waiting... relentless....

And it would be easy for me to slip into something less comfortable,

To tape my mouth so you may not be told the words I have to write for you....

Allow him slam me to the walls screaming my flaws in my all ready vulnerable self esteem.

I felt I was something when your fingertips kissed my bruises...

when your eyes met my heart...

oh how the thought that I was worth something, wanted ;made me run.

So easy it comes, the waves of pain...

How I cursed him in mind alone...

Only speak when spoken to was his rule...

 but I found my self often reciting poetic lines from my damaged heart to you in my dreams beneath him where I was told that I belonged.

Why do I feel like I belong lost in the morning of your overlooks, overlooking all but me?

Am I destined to be yours in pieces, fragments that cut flesh and stagger breath?

I would give my soul to the bitter to keep you from my pain!
So easy for me to do...
One day maybe I''ll be free as you.