deepundergroundpoetry.com
Two bits
Been at this for twenty five years now and feel that I have gotten no where. Love my wife, but have ignored who I am, have given up my very essence to answer the demons in my soul. Or maybe not to answer them, but rather to try and bind them. But what I did was leave them in the dark places, to rot and spread their poison. To fill me with their vitriol. By trapping them what have I done to myself?
Am I the person I have been pretending to be, that man doesn't feel like the person yearning to get out. But I worry that what is inside of me is infected by the darkness. My wife has taught me many lessons, but I feel that they are the things that have hamstrung me. The man in me wanting to run free and wild, feel the wind in his hair so to speak, is he a good man or a puppet to my dark desires? Is it better to stay and be eaten by the darkness inside of me, or leave and possibly become the darkness?
This is a dilemma I have struggled greatly with recently. I have tried to look into myself and truly find the man buried in the mire. But I am not sure if I like what I see. And the chains I used to bind the demons, I think those same links have shackled me to my marriage. I fear myself so much, but I fear that staying where I am is killing me.
So I guess this whole rant is asking one fundamental question, Stay or Go? That is just way too simple of a question though.
Sex is at the core of my turmoil, if I stay I will be giving up all of the desires that I have pushed deep down inside of me. And what happens then, the denial has left me in misery and the misery consumes me. But to go is to give myself permission to pursue that side of me that I fear. How deep are those passions and where do they lead and can I follow them with any sense of moderation?
So if I am lost either way what is the answer? To cut the chains and slip away a wanton thief ready to steal the virtues of the damsels I pass. Or remain bound by the circumstance of my wife's upbringing, judging me and subjugating. There is always a third option, a way to freedom that is safely scrawled in the hidden places only I know. At night I lay tracing forever that trail, picking my way stealthily to the cliffs edge. The darkness is there, either destroying me or ready to destroy all I touch. But freedom is just a step away.
Am I the person I have been pretending to be, that man doesn't feel like the person yearning to get out. But I worry that what is inside of me is infected by the darkness. My wife has taught me many lessons, but I feel that they are the things that have hamstrung me. The man in me wanting to run free and wild, feel the wind in his hair so to speak, is he a good man or a puppet to my dark desires? Is it better to stay and be eaten by the darkness inside of me, or leave and possibly become the darkness?
This is a dilemma I have struggled greatly with recently. I have tried to look into myself and truly find the man buried in the mire. But I am not sure if I like what I see. And the chains I used to bind the demons, I think those same links have shackled me to my marriage. I fear myself so much, but I fear that staying where I am is killing me.
So I guess this whole rant is asking one fundamental question, Stay or Go? That is just way too simple of a question though.
Sex is at the core of my turmoil, if I stay I will be giving up all of the desires that I have pushed deep down inside of me. And what happens then, the denial has left me in misery and the misery consumes me. But to go is to give myself permission to pursue that side of me that I fear. How deep are those passions and where do they lead and can I follow them with any sense of moderation?
So if I am lost either way what is the answer? To cut the chains and slip away a wanton thief ready to steal the virtues of the damsels I pass. Or remain bound by the circumstance of my wife's upbringing, judging me and subjugating. There is always a third option, a way to freedom that is safely scrawled in the hidden places only I know. At night I lay tracing forever that trail, picking my way stealthily to the cliffs edge. The darkness is there, either destroying me or ready to destroy all I touch. But freedom is just a step away.
Published 14th Aug 2017
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8th Sep 2020 8:23am
I clearly remember the day I made my decision. I was walking in bright, morning sunshine after yet another night of angst and insomnia. As the sun warmed my face, I reflected on my dilemma, and it was as if the little girl in me pushed forth, shouting: is THIS how you want to live for the rest of your life, tied to this man you've grown to bear, cos I freaking HATE it.
I don't know why that moment became the push I needed, but I realised I wanted to give that 7yr old me a chance at a happier, more fulfilling life than the painful, boring existence I had ended up in. Maybe it was the sun that shone its light on me, maybe it was my perpetual sense of wonder that made its voice heard. Man, I just wanted romance and to break tf free.
I hope that you have your moment, too, if it hasn't happened already.
I relate to this piece so much 😢
Thank you for sharing it with the world.
I don't know why that moment became the push I needed, but I realised I wanted to give that 7yr old me a chance at a happier, more fulfilling life than the painful, boring existence I had ended up in. Maybe it was the sun that shone its light on me, maybe it was my perpetual sense of wonder that made its voice heard. Man, I just wanted romance and to break tf free.
I hope that you have your moment, too, if it hasn't happened already.
I relate to this piece so much 😢
Thank you for sharing it with the world.
