A Millionth Love

They're ripping my heart into a million pieces
Everyone I've loved deeply
Anyone I've ever given my heart to
Irreplaceable mind, words, and pussy
I keep adding to the line
Of blacklisted names
Tattooed across my forehead
They walk with me, along side
Never breaking stride,
And keeping up the pace
I inhale these stings
And float away but
They're the anchors
At my feet,
Keeping me from my high
Such a buzzkill they are
But I'm terrified for them to leave
To go away with no return
They're holding fragments
Of my bleeding heart
And if they should go,
I'll lose myself completely
I will never be able to explain
The unforgiving and never ending pain
Of loving someone with everything you've got
But at the same time,
Not at all
For I do not fear the thought of losing you
I fear losing grip on the feeling
I was completely submerged and drowning in:
Love.
However, I could not love myself god damn it
No matter how hard I fought,
But loving someone else was the next best thing?
Having the ability to feel something so strong
For someone who once held your bits together.
And the gut wrenching moment
their eyes racks your nerves
And shatters your entire world
Like a mirror, collapsing into a million pieces
Suddenly, I do not see them as I did before
I cannot feel the blossoming explosion of excitement
To see a smile vaguely dancing on their lips
But I can see the collection of memoirs
Delicately stringing behind them
I can see the days he made me smile through my tears
I can see him holding me tight as I fell apart
I can see everything that survived through us
My counselor told me to depict a box inside of my mind
To store the things I did not want to feel
But baby, this box is overflowing
And the lid won't close because
It's too fucking full of us
It's too full of my whispering sweet nothings
Into your sleepy ear,
As you are a wanderlust
One of a kind
Head in the clouds, on nine.
It's too full of your fingers brushing against my skin
In the earliest mornings with the sunrise
Bursting through the window and cascading down upon us
I have no room left to store such things
So they're looping inside of my head,
Constantly replaying the feeling of nostalgia
It has been forced into sadness
I'm desperate to feel that again
Can you blame me?
Everyone wants to feel wanted
My head never fucking stops going
In a million different ways
Wasn't my body special once?
There had been only one person
Who explored the internals
Of my brain and my body
But fuck consent, just take what you please
Take everything I desperately have left
Force your way into my walls
With a crowbar prying at the door
Bust out my windows with your anger
And add the shards to the collection
Of my blood and tears that are subsiding
In an ever growing pile of anguish
You say you're here for me,

But do you know just how many times
I've had the gun to my head?