I Am

I am scared of the way that I feel
Disappointed that I healed
That my body did not dissolve
And my mind still cranks out resolve

I am terrified of the people around me
That I know do not want to hear me
Say what is on my mind
Because it is all wishes to die

I am horrified of the way I still want
Yet am paralyzed into not
Angry that it's 4 am and I cannot sleep
Tears bursting, yet I do not make a peep

I am silenced by the way I think
Trains of thought that only sink
Into the void of self-hate and suicide
But will not make up its mind

I am ashamed of the absence of peace
That comes when I will not release
That comes when I will not take my breath away
That comes when I say, "maybe another day"

I am disgusted by the temptation
I feel when I think of easy salvation
That I cannot will my head above water
That I dream of easy slaughter

I am petrified of the idea of living
Yet time stopped giving
Me reasons to want to take my spark
And leave everything to the dark