Trying to stand strong

It's a night of darkness,
the world seems more closed off than ever,
I can't seem to clear my thoughts,
images of you polluting my head,
this condition I've always been familiar with,

the aching of hell's wrath bestowed upon me,
grabbing my black heart and demolishing the purity,
she has driven me into this insanity,
this diamond that sparkles of beauty,
deceiving, cunning and loving,

she was my antidote,
my cure,
wondering if she found new love,
if she has completely moved on,

sometimes just the thought of what we had makes me crumble,
everyday strands of missed communication,
making me make wrong decisions,
between what we thought was real and what wasn't,

doing everything I can to avoid you mentally and physically,
taking long hikes through the greenness of the woods,
continuously drowning myself in poetry,
taking more strides to complete my education,

working exhausting hours of purgatory,
escaping the scene to convince myself,
I've been happy to meet new people,
torturing myself through misleading sexual relations,
feeling guilt for these hell full acquisitions,

when I know I shouldn't,
making them crave the lust I have most discretely hidden,
yet your image overtakes their faces like a demon from an exorcism,
making them feel some kind of attachment,
yet I can't make any type of connection,

holding me tight after multiple eruptions,
hoping I can just slip away into the night,
am I still that person of light,
damaged and broken,

thinking of all the things I could have done better,
honestly I wrote this all down in a letter,
trying to send to you explaining the pain,
explaining how much this has affected me,

I just really wanted you to see,
before putting this into an envelope I hesitated,
sitting there making this even more complicated,
I ripped it to shreds, in the background listening to The Bends,

this album used to put me to float,
I stand up to grab my coat,
decided to go for a drive,
the yellow lines become one,
piercing my view, the cold unbarring,

squeezing the steering wheel,
I start to notice I can't feel,
feeling cold as snow,
we've always had to put on a show,
my love was wrapped around your fingers,

my brother and sister trying so hard to get me to stay,
having a few to drink,
I didn't listen thinking love will solve everything,
arguing days before we left,
feeling hesitant and scared,

patience turns into frustration filled with ignorance,
words couldn't even come out correctly,
walking around more lonely than ever,
the scenery always so lovely here,

wishing I could of shared every moment with you,
maybe I must have not tried hard enough,
why do I keep doing this to myself,
trying to fathom all the destruction that fell upon us,

I must keep myself steady,
tortured by anger and the demons besides me,
I just really need to turn the page,
start a new chapter and try to make myself happier,

I just can't take the voices controlling my condition,
I am so outraged and overwhelmed,
tears begin to rip through the dryness of my cheeks,
I must patch up cuts and conceal the leaks,

continue with my life in these blizzards,
reaching over to grab the scissors,
splitting the pictures I have kept,
I'm not gonna lie,
looking at them and feeling the bitterness within me,
thinking your so much better with some other guy,
missing your pink soft lips,
the way you would look at me with those big blues,

and a smile that can light up any room,
when I should just be so grateful for you,
regardless the situation,
there was no way to make a correction that has been forged,

watching you sit there in a act of tears,
the fear of letting you think I was okay,
I know you gave me the chance to be better,
I have no excuses for the outcome,

all you ever wanted was a better man,
a man strong enough to hold it down,
and I couldn't be this fascination you most deeply dreamed of,
I know that's all you ever wanted,

trying to move forward,
towards the direction that I need to be,
their is no turning around,
my life will slowly move on,
still getting used to my new home,

cluttered by memories of our dysfunctional relationship,
all that I need is the toughness of my heart,
being who I am,
there is no room for hell to consume me,

it's been completely flooded,
swimming to get out of the pale darkness,
I see a figment that just stares at me through the black depths,
The closer I get an image starts to appear,

my reflection pointing to my heart,
with a genuine smile and my last tear,
I wish you the best and happiness,
as for me I will try,
search the unknown yet to come,
and continue to keep turning the pages