How did it feel, Ma?

The autopsy report I received today confirmed
What I already knew
Suicide by intoxication
Combination of alcohol and
Antidepressant drugs
The pain grew too much
To be able to take
The burden of living
Any longer
I'll never forget the day
I got the phone call that told me
You were gone
They found you in your room
Face up, covered in vomit
And unforgiving shame
A look of eternal peace forever plastered upon your face
They said it almost looked like
You died with a smile
Everyone wondered why you passed
How this could have happened
They were clueless
But I knew in my heart
The truth
You were clutching the brand new pack of cigars
With one lucky flipped
And the one missing, on the floor,
burnt out next to your head
So many nights I confided in you
And told you I was too depressed to live
Begging for help
Crying in your arms,
But yet, I am the one who's still here
To tell my story and live another day
While you're nothing more than mere ash
Hanging around my neck
A memory to us,
No longer in existence,
Which I still cant wrap my mind around
So tell me momma,
What was it like?
To be so intoxicated you can no longer
Feel the pain inside?
To give up and down those capsules
With tears in your eyes?
Not crying because you're scared,
But because of what you'll miss
How did it feel to know the agony was soon ending
And all you can do is just feel it?
To be so fucked out of your head
That if you changed your mind,
You couldn't change what you've already done
What was it like to lose all functions of your body
And feel numb?
To lay there on the floor, helpless
Crying, and wishing someone would walk
Through that door to help
But noone ever came
How did it feel knowing your life
Was about to come to a close?
This was your final chapter
And no one was there to read it
And weep from the truth within
The words
How did it feel to expel
The last breath you'll ever take
From your lungs?
Was it painful?
Or were you too fucked up
To realize that you were dying?
I will never forgive you
Not because of how you went out
But because you beat me to it
I was the one who saw the train wreck left
Behind within all of the chaos
I saw the agony it caused all of us
I felt the pain within the struggling breaths
The tears racing down our faces
With disbelief in our eyes

I will never forgive you,
But I will never blame you