Absence of meaning

We're all harboring demons inside our heads
But mine's so overbearing that my fucking brain might explode
There are days I feel as if I can no longer deal with the
Weight associated with such secrets and deceit as mine
I have done acts unspeakable to many aside from myself
Which is upsetting because I have to look at my reflection
In the mirror and ask why I have done these things
Some might consider me a whore
Some might consider me a home wrecker
But I consider myself to just not give a fuck anymore
I have fallen so far beyond the point of having morals
Or caring about the difference between wrong and right
Which is upsetting because people glare down their
Egotistical noses upon my nineteen year old monstrosity
Of a thing that I call a life, a way of doing things
A state of mind that I have been mercilessly driven to
Throughout the bloody beatings for just existing
Just for breathing air, for having
a conscious mind and taking up space
Through the fists that claim
the hairline fractures in my ribs
My jaw, my broken fingers,
my missing patches of hair
And the horrendous dis configurations upon my wrecked body
Have you ever been beaten to the point of honestly believing
That this world is going to be better off without you?
To believe wholeheartedly
that today was going to be your last
Day on earth because it's hard to see
the light of day through the agonizing
Afflictions that have been bestowed upon your body
at the mere age of 9 years old?
Have you ever stayed up all night, fearing for dear life
Because the man who brought you into this world,
The man whom gave you the breath in your lungs,
Has convinced you that he hates you enough that he will
Take what he has to selflessly given to you
And bury you in the hill across the creek so no one would ever
Find your body, because to him,
it would be like you never existed to him
And your life did not mean enough for him
to show you love and affection
Have you ever had your father look you
dead in the eye and tell you that
You were the biggest mistake he's ever made?
At 11 years old, I was convinced
that my life was completely and utterly
meaningless
I tried to kill myself at 12 years old,
And I was so scared because I didn't want to die
I had taken all 60 capsules of ambien in his medicine cabinet
I begged him to help me, because I wanted to live
But instead, he bounced my head off the linoleum floor
And proceeded to tell me that he hopes I did it right

My perceptions of wrong and right are fucked up
And I have no shame in my actions,
When I should be ashamed to show my face twice
My innocence was taken away at 14 years old,
And after that, my body was no longer a temple
And I began to see myself as an object rather than a being
My needs do not matter, and they never have
I am a thing that men use to get off
and leave when they're satisfied
To throw me aside like I don't matter in this world,
But I don't blame them when
I am icy numb to those who try
And care about me, to dig past my steel plated armor and pry
into the pit of a being that may be subsiding
underneath all these things that I hate about myself
I do not care who fucks me, I dont care who cares
I've foolishly come to believe
that the only way a man can respect
You is if he defiles you in ways
you are ashamed to think about
The only compliments you receive
being the derogatory statements
That fall from the lips of desperate
men trying to get their dicks wet
The only way I even come close to
feeling anything is if someone is
Inside of me, or touching me.
Making me feel wanted in ways that
I have never thought I would know,
even though they just want
Their dripping tongues between my legs
and to see my expression as they
Drill themselves into my memory
That's the only way I can feel like I'm loved
The only way I'm wanted
If I had the fucking guts, I'd blow the shame and regrets
All over the walls and let everyone see whats really

Inside this head of mine