deepundergroundpoetry.com
-the sociopath and I
gently I was lost before I leapt
impassioned by a view
which would not render
beyond simple fascination
recalling forgotten reasons I'd wept
upon the end of golden smile days
'twas sharp breath stitching up my sides
for a fine hearts intention
may run too far sometimes
thy fall began my death anew
to saunter away I would not stumble
and lay what died to rest with you
beneath the shadow of your soul
where you hide all those faces
you can't show the others
-ed
impassioned by a view
which would not render
beyond simple fascination
recalling forgotten reasons I'd wept
upon the end of golden smile days
'twas sharp breath stitching up my sides
for a fine hearts intention
may run too far sometimes
thy fall began my death anew
to saunter away I would not stumble
and lay what died to rest with you
beneath the shadow of your soul
where you hide all those faces
you can't show the others
-ed
Published 27th Feb 2017
| Edited 23rd Nov 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 0
comments 14
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
27th Feb 2017 3:30pm
so uh hi *wavez*
i kinda just sent i.m'd ya something on this
but ya know i like to hear m'self talk so...
... i'm with you on the "contrived" thing (to a point)
obvs with the different eras, audiences find different things appealing.
i'm not a fan of rhyme either & can't really be arsed with structure
anyhoo....
... i like that you stepped outside your comfort zone & didn't lose your unique voice while doing so
definitely still shades of eddie throughout
but, the twas-ing & thy-ing just doesn't do anything for me,
oddly enough the rhyme doesn't bug me o.O could be the pain meds. yum.
*
also that last bit of the disclaimer explaining that this is about twatty mc thunder cunt kinda spoiled this for me a little.
i drew dual conclusions reading this & ya know, i thinks it's kinda important for the reader to draw their own conclusions too (even tho half the time we're wrong lol)
i think i mentioned that i loooooove the last two lines, they're epic.
cheers for a good read eddie
i kinda just sent i.m'd ya something on this
but ya know i like to hear m'self talk so...
... i'm with you on the "contrived" thing (to a point)
obvs with the different eras, audiences find different things appealing.
i'm not a fan of rhyme either & can't really be arsed with structure
anyhoo....
... i like that you stepped outside your comfort zone & didn't lose your unique voice while doing so
definitely still shades of eddie throughout
but, the twas-ing & thy-ing just doesn't do anything for me,
oddly enough the rhyme doesn't bug me o.O could be the pain meds. yum.
*
also that last bit of the disclaimer explaining that this is about twatty mc thunder cunt kinda spoiled this for me a little.
i drew dual conclusions reading this & ya know, i thinks it's kinda important for the reader to draw their own conclusions too (even tho half the time we're wrong lol)
i think i mentioned that i loooooove the last two lines, they're epic.
cheers for a good read eddie
You know why I used 'twas and thy, yes? Disclaimer removed. Thanks for your rare novel critique, love...
Anonymous
27th Feb 2017 4:45pm
you shouldn't pay me any attention, i'm high off my pert arse lulz uhm didn't mean you should delete the disclaimer tho, i get why you shook things up a lil but others might not, ya knowt yes? anyhoo this is kinda growing on me ^.^
27th Feb 2017 5:00pm
No I like the poem and you're right let the reader draw their own conclusions...
27th Feb 2017 8:10pm
thy fall began my death anew
to saunter away I would not stumble
and lay what died to rest with you
Fantastic, Fenom. Glad to see you back, we've missed your posts and comments.
to saunter away I would not stumble
and lay what died to rest with you
Fantastic, Fenom. Glad to see you back, we've missed your posts and comments.
Lessons will be repeated until learned... Think I got it this one this time...
Someone, a supposed English bigwig read some of my writing and said I needed to read Wordsworth, Coleridge, and Keets to be a good writer, but when asked to critique me refused.
Well, I went and read his suggested material and although respect for the classics should be given it's due, I find the writing contrived and often disjointed. I wrote this with their style and era in mind mixed with my own touch. I'm rather happy with the outcome actually, but still feel the same about it for the most part.
Though, I'll admit I feel that I may have learned something here about myself perhaps if nothing else. ;)
Nice to see you as always, my dear...
Someone, a supposed English bigwig read some of my writing and said I needed to read Wordsworth, Coleridge, and Keets to be a good writer, but when asked to critique me refused.
Well, I went and read his suggested material and although respect for the classics should be given it's due, I find the writing contrived and often disjointed. I wrote this with their style and era in mind mixed with my own touch. I'm rather happy with the outcome actually, but still feel the same about it for the most part.
Though, I'll admit I feel that I may have learned something here about myself perhaps if nothing else. ;)
Nice to see you as always, my dear...
27th Feb 2017 8:46pm
We always learn something of our self through any interaction, don't we? But, damn, those lessons can be tough!
27th Feb 2017 8:50pm
27th Feb 2017 11:56pm
but if poetry isn't contrived it's simply an accident, which sort of absolves most of the poets... :)
28th Feb 2017 5:36am
I do see what you're saying. I guess it's a fine line to walk. However, when all the writing rhymes it just seems obvious. I don't know
think my favourite poems are those that just sound right - and I don't really notice, whilst reading, whether they rhyme or they don't...
5th Mar 2017 7:38am
Anonymous
25th Mar 2017 6:20am
Phenom, gosh damn I just love your style
25th Mar 2017 12:31pm
Thanks so much for the kind words and read... I'll be sure to make my way over to you soon... :)
