Dear ana

(I wrote this 2 years ago)

I fill my plate as i sit at diner with my family.
There's laughter, there's joy.. then a pause.
My mother asks why im not eating
i tell her one of the usual
"i feel sick, i ate a big lunch, im not hungry".

I'm constantly hungry,
my body is eating itself because i wont feed it.
I weigh 120, but if i call myself fat,
if i, even bring it up that i dont like my body..

suddenly its every ones job to tell me
"i weigh __, so dont complain"
or
"i think your beautiful the way you are.

Does it matter what i think?
You can call me beautiful until youre blue in the face
but all i see is a girl with a broken smile.

All i see is a girl who should be thinner..
I see someone who constantly thinks of
101 reasons of why im not eating right now..

Ana, you're my life.
you rule my life.
i love you/i hate you..

im done.