pondorous

The holidays used to mean so much
now I find no joy in baking or shopping
I fill space , keep a plastic smile on my face
my eyes cloud but where would i go
what would I do  ?
I never look at me and see too much
I see lines where there was none
I see not ever being with the one.
I see a tired bored individual
and those two together are never
a winning combo on me
but I'm older wiser  
I'm a spendthrift and a miser ha right
I'm lonely and lost in a sea of emotion  
don't even like who i see looking back at me from my reflection
I'm forty and still have no direction
no  life hasn't been near what id thought
years of loving anguish and pain
now without it im going insane  
normalcy conformity this is it
if i could just accept it
then maybe so could my brain