Cambridge

I’ll treasure it
read it
rung it
feed it until I have nothing left to fill

I feel formerly dazed
the station I fell into
scrambling upwards to meet you
wasn’t where I left it
I decant not into the features of the road
nor the traffic lights
not even the right, left, right, right turning I know
I came unwanted and attempted to refuse to go

It was in the trauma
hiding inside each time I burdened
all the motionless disapproval
the furrowing beneath
gritted teeth
grabbing at me as I forced on trainers
and being followed down the stairs
I clung to him; I clung to it
I expected beauty to resound
but what resounds when no one’s listening

It’s so much walking that I gave myself to every inch
that listened to me losing you
feeding, fending off everything
you almost said love

I know the room
noises from the kitchen
the tiny bed surrounded by hanging clothes
sink in a cupboard
mostly I remember crying holding my knees
telling you not to touch me
I had a perfect dream
and my failure to recreate it fell entirely on me

I can’t find it in anything
we sat in boats and went nowhere and I know I loved
but we knew we were creating a thing to remember
it wasn’t unimaginable, uncontrollable
there was something beautifully manufactured

now I feel manufactured
I just dread knowing each of the stops,
and every time I cried or nearly did or wanted to
while listening to overhead voices list the proximity of our distance
I dread remembering the last time
I told you all I needed and nothing wavered

everything collapsed

every time I think it was the last time I saw you
when instead it was the last time I offered myself to you
knew that you owned every piece of my mind
and held on to that perfect image I fabricated from everything I believed this to mean
perfectly inside my head but you never knew that image
I thought you never wanted to

there’s no physicality to this empty questioning
I’ll go like before
know the roads could break my heart
pray you’ll meet me as before
and know that as I intertwine myself
I’m losing everything I fought to rescue
just pray that I’m losing it with reason.