deepundergroundpoetry.com
you're my starlight
You're a warning in my mid
Words of stories I can't hear
Tones of starlight on my chest
Love that is unreal and sheer
Weird illusions may occur...
Can't keep my heart in place
My life, as known, is about to blur
A wild energy caresses my face
Every time I connect with you
is like another dimension
I cannot describe the depth
I cannot describe the tension
Then you left behind some doubts
Colouring by blank self in purple
So we drew some cupid lines
and began a vicious circle
Why do we sabotage ourselves?
Why don't we just step off
You're either my reality, or reality is a lie
Or just a strange magnetic field of my soul
Words of stories I can't hear
Tones of starlight on my chest
Love that is unreal and sheer
Weird illusions may occur...
Can't keep my heart in place
My life, as known, is about to blur
A wild energy caresses my face
Every time I connect with you
is like another dimension
I cannot describe the depth
I cannot describe the tension
Then you left behind some doubts
Colouring by blank self in purple
So we drew some cupid lines
and began a vicious circle
Why do we sabotage ourselves?
Why don't we just step off
You're either my reality, or reality is a lie
Or just a strange magnetic field of my soul
Published 23rd Oct 2016
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 23rd Oct 2016 1:45pm
23rd Oct 2016 1:44pm
OK, some good ideas coming through here. Just wanted to pick up on a few things in the spirit of honest critique that was asked for here.
Your - should be you're in the title.
The line "Ever time I connect with you is like "in another dimension" - I think ever needs to be every. Also it would help your flow in this line if you took the quote marks out, and perhaps shortened the extra words to read "every time I connect with you is like another dimension". This would really help present that line better for the overall effect of the read.
The last stanza has some little gems in it. I really like the last two lines, I think they crown the piece together beautifully.I don't know if you are interested, but there is currently a competition going on in the forums regarding starlight, perhaps you might consider entering this into it. I think you would do rather well.
Thank you for the read.
Your - should be you're in the title.
The line "Ever time I connect with you is like "in another dimension" - I think ever needs to be every. Also it would help your flow in this line if you took the quote marks out, and perhaps shortened the extra words to read "every time I connect with you is like another dimension". This would really help present that line better for the overall effect of the read.
The last stanza has some little gems in it. I really like the last two lines, I think they crown the piece together beautifully.I don't know if you are interested, but there is currently a competition going on in the forums regarding starlight, perhaps you might consider entering this into it. I think you would do rather well.
Thank you for the read.
23rd Oct 2016 7:17pm
