deepundergroundpoetry.com
too easy
in this darkness i stand as i wait for my prey,
ignorance is my partner as they shuffle my way
i slip from the darkness blade glistens in the moon,
as i lead their poor souls to doom
i embrace them like a lover,pull them to me,smell their fear as i drink in their misery
drag them away from the life they know ,as i fill with lust as the blood starts to flow
i am evil incarnate,a dying demon tossed from hells gate
timeless as the universe,as old as the sun,ive been alive forever,
i feel the power rise as i finish my deed
lips part in a smile as i watch them bleed
i sink into the horror filled eyes,priceless is the look of surprise
the look of doubt,as the guts spill out,even the shame as their bowels release,as their very life force i have seized
im prime evil,death is my name,i will be hear waiting on your turn to play my game
ignorance is my partner as they shuffle my way
i slip from the darkness blade glistens in the moon,
as i lead their poor souls to doom
i embrace them like a lover,pull them to me,smell their fear as i drink in their misery
drag them away from the life they know ,as i fill with lust as the blood starts to flow
i am evil incarnate,a dying demon tossed from hells gate
timeless as the universe,as old as the sun,ive been alive forever,
i feel the power rise as i finish my deed
lips part in a smile as i watch them bleed
i sink into the horror filled eyes,priceless is the look of surprise
the look of doubt,as the guts spill out,even the shame as their bowels release,as their very life force i have seized
im prime evil,death is my name,i will be hear waiting on your turn to play my game
Published 1st Aug 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
21st Aug 2011 4:22pm
I decided to read your work after stumbling across some commentary by you to another....
This is a good depiction you have written of the subject, although it does not read well in the style, or be it form, you have chosen. This reader can not follow its start and stop, and perfect pause areas to quite get the punch it should reflect. I had to rearrange the line areas to read aloud its rhythm. I also feel that a good descriptor word before doom in line four is needed to lengthen and enhance its impact of the word. (ex. infinite)
Also, the misused "hear" throws the flow. Should be "here"
Do not mistake though...this was a good piece...needs some tweaking in this my humble opinion.
I always hope that I do not offend when I venture to critique..know please that if I took the time, then I felt the piece worthy of my efforts. Hope you perceive this as constructive.
This is a good depiction you have written of the subject, although it does not read well in the style, or be it form, you have chosen. This reader can not follow its start and stop, and perfect pause areas to quite get the punch it should reflect. I had to rearrange the line areas to read aloud its rhythm. I also feel that a good descriptor word before doom in line four is needed to lengthen and enhance its impact of the word. (ex. infinite)
Also, the misused "hear" throws the flow. Should be "here"
Do not mistake though...this was a good piece...needs some tweaking in this my humble opinion.
I always hope that I do not offend when I venture to critique..know please that if I took the time, then I felt the piece worthy of my efforts. Hope you perceive this as constructive.
22nd Sep 2011 9:01pm
you have an amazing taste the way that u talk and symbolize death its just wow no way u could git this from someone eals
