Distancing, Goodbyes

Those waves that overtook me just aren't what they used to be
Feels like a best friend has begun to turn his back to me
At first I curse everything, I curse at myself for praying for an escape
Who would have known that prays might actually work
Even after years of saying them and seeing no result
What type of nervousness for ones life does it take
To continue to say those words, hoping that "faith" in itself would make them true
Such conflictions that one lives
conflictions that just might end for anyone who keeps fighting them
I am not allowed to have good things happen for me, I cannot feel this good without the high
How dare the universe or a higher power of some sort show me otherwise
Until finally I keep trying to hold onto what I myself had molded into a false believe
and each time I use and do not feel the same joys, I feel those false beliefs slowly undo themselves
It is amazing what the mind can do, and what thoughts can manifest, I suppose
So now I enter the process of escape that I had talked about for years
Use becomes less and less frequent, and each time I do get the hit
It just never compares to my memory of what it was
One day I will stop trying altogether, finally knowing
Accepting
That the party is over and life must go on
A decade under the influence really was too much
especially when half of it was spent trying to end it
So now I am reintroduced to myself, this time as an adult
when you get sick of all the self talk, all the attempts at positive thinking
all the prayers while all the while seeing no results, what do you do
The hardest thing that any of us caught up in the moment of addiction could do
We keep trying anyway
Our Father in heaven please I don't want this and I know I don't
As I'm inhaling and exhaling
the insanity has to end eventually
with enough desire I begin to see that maybe, just maybe
I will someday say my final goodbye
For today I will just write to remind myself that I want to get to that day again
Just in case the simple act of repeating my desires is enough to make them come true