Thoughts after a breakdown

I'm not perfect far from it
A walking contradiction I have yet learned to love it
Reckless and insecure at times, barely holding my composure
Destined from birth to be a leaking faucet of rhymes
Lost and confused constantly breathing the blues dysfunctional at best
But you probably couldn't tell
I've learned to hide my wounds quite well saying just enough to throw you off the trail
I tend to beat around the bush more often than not misdirection flows out naturally without much of a second thought
Over the years I've found myself continually being caught by loves warm embrace, just to find myself later reacquainting with its sour taste
Yet I stay optimistic, I mean what else can I do
I tend to see the cup half full one day I know I'll find a love that's true
Taking it day by day piecing it all together trying to find some definition in between the different hues
At the end of the day I'm my own harshest critic
At times I feel like a punching bag most of my wounds are self inflicted
It's hard looking from the outside in I rarely find happiness so I pick up the pen
Drowning my sorrows that continually find themselves thrown in the bin
Unlike most I tend to care my my subconscious is full of anguish and strain at times it's hard to bare
Spilling over leaving leaving clues hoping they won't be in vain
Every day's a struggle keeping a balance so I tend to refrain from staying still
But breakdowns are inevitable life always finds a way to hand me the bill
Twenty three years later and I still haven't found a way to deal with this mess
So I continue to sweep it under the rug hoping one day it might disappear childish and naive I know
But to tell you the truth I've never pictured myself growing old
Biding my time until I can attend the great gig in the sky
I don't have a death wish as far I know, but life's funny the way it tends to unfold