Text to Mum 17-7-16

I know. It's been a rough few days. I have to talk later. I hate my life as usual, met a kid who's mom I think killed herself but doesn't know when to shut up; only girl who's still nice is obnoxious and emo. I think my roommate is insane and may be out to kill/ harm me and I'm now listening in on someone's conversation (yelling). I looked at the school you liked and I had an incredibly bad feeling about it, their history and literature programs are dodgy. I want to go to public but after getting mean comments on my pathetic writing I've realised otherwise. If I want to get into a school so I can get out I need to be able to be less retarded in my writing. I apologise for not chatting, I just can't face going back to such a crappy life. I don't want to tell you anything else, and I don't know why. I'm sorry, but I have no life left inside of me and although this has been fun I've realised how truly mediocre I am. I really don't want to go back on medication because I'm thinking clearly and am sleeping less but functioning normally again. This school year I am avoiding everyone and will be getting perfect grades at all cost except for bible for which I will write and say "evil" things about my atheist perspective on the catastrophe that is humanity. I know you're going to write something passive back so just don't respond. I cringe at people getting things for their parents and siblings and how much people love those who they are obligated to love whilst I've never experienced love because no one except for a drugged monster at night and a mentally abusive mother and possibly a total idiot who doesn't take me seriously because every time I voice my concerns to him I panic and he laughs in a patronising yet immature and retarded fashion. I hope in the future you will both stop saying I love you and sweetie to me because I have no capacity to love such mean spirited humans and I hope one day I'll find someone who doesn't love me because they're obligated to. I decided to wait until the end of the school year to try and kill myself again because if I like my high school I'll probably be on high medication or in heaven already. I want to thank you for supporting my decision to stop Welfarin because I'm thinking again. I do want someone, not something, to wake up for in the morning, but I'll never have that. Things like that don't happen to people who legitimately think they are brilliant for a period of time and then realise they're just like all the rest with added depression. I know I've spent too much money and I'm sorry but I was never given a budget and I'm a demon so I'll always waste material things. I want to live a happy life but I cannot accomplish this when the only person I have to talk about my day with is someone I have never cared about in my life that abuses my incomplete mind. It could be Karma and that is my main persuasion at the moment, but it might be me. I want to stop being an immature idiot in front of people and stop getting the 'do you understand what you just said or did is offensive or dumb' look from everyone at least once. I've met about 50 people I know by name and have been shamed in some from by all of them. It has not been bad, just ok. I want to stay and yet I yearn to go, exactly what I expected, because I'd rather be an actual student than a kid with a lanyard who thinks they're all that. I could just be an awful human, I was repulsed by a girl talking to her retarded brother about random things and enjoying it because she genuinly loves him. I will end on the note that sending this is terrifying because I'm afraid of what you'll do with these words. Please don't send this to anyone. It's not that I don't love you, it's just that I don't care.