deepundergroundpoetry.com
surrender
disappear into the night
kill the sacred of the right,
feel what holds the evil inside,
bear to find the crucified,
shatter what they call violence,
stuck inside creepy siolence,
babtise the sickness that weakens the heart,
numerous souls fall apart,
stich the tragedy of pain in vain,
locked inside whats insane...
(the humen condition contains the kill
smell of death make it ill.)
-Kumiko Yamamoto
kill the sacred of the right,
feel what holds the evil inside,
bear to find the crucified,
shatter what they call violence,
stuck inside creepy siolence,
babtise the sickness that weakens the heart,
numerous souls fall apart,
stich the tragedy of pain in vain,
locked inside whats insane...
(the humen condition contains the kill
smell of death make it ill.)
-Kumiko Yamamoto
Published 19th Jul 2011
| Edited 30th Nov 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 16
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The author encourages honest critique.
19th Jul 2011 10:36pm
alright dude, just wondering if the spelling mistakes are intentional 'silence' not siolence
and there are numerous more. other than that i get where you are coming from. check out my stuff too :)
and there are numerous more. other than that i get where you are coming from. check out my stuff too :)
20th Jul 2011 5:43am
Anonymous
20th Jul 2011 6:04pm
Intentional spelling mistakes? That's a first.
If you weren't aware of these:
L6: Silence
L7: Baptize
L9: Stich? A stich is a line of poetry. I'm not sure what you meant by that, but that's not the right word.
L10: What's
L11: Human
L12: Just doesn't make much sense. I would suggest:
"the smell of death makes it ill'
or
"smells of death make it ill"
All in all, I don't mind the rhyme, but most people on this website will look at this and see all of the spelling errors and close it right away. I would recommend spell checking things before submitting them and reading them out loud to see if everything makes sense.
Welcome to DUP ! :]
If you weren't aware of these:
L6: Silence
L7: Baptize
L9: Stich? A stich is a line of poetry. I'm not sure what you meant by that, but that's not the right word.
L10: What's
L11: Human
L12: Just doesn't make much sense. I would suggest:
"the smell of death makes it ill'
or
"smells of death make it ill"
All in all, I don't mind the rhyme, but most people on this website will look at this and see all of the spelling errors and close it right away. I would recommend spell checking things before submitting them and reading them out loud to see if everything makes sense.
Welcome to DUP ! :]
23rd Jul 2011 6:38pm
23rd Jul 2011 7:11pm
Just out of curiosity, what was the reason? I have no problem with intentional spelling mistakes (my poem below is one giant spelling mistake), but it should be done for a good reason (and I'm not suggesting you don't have a good reason, I'd just like to understand your reasoning better).
Here's my intentional spelling mistakes at work:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/23713/
Here's my intentional spelling mistakes at work:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/23713/
Anonymous
23rd Jul 2011 10:35pm
[kill the sacred of the right] What does this mean? What is 'of the right'? Abstraction.
[bear to find the crucified] Quite ambiguous. Crucified people? Ideas? Animals? Dreams?
[shatter what they call violence] Who are 'they'?
[babtise the sickness that weakens the heart] Kind of weak - specificity would be nice, something like cancer or gangrene.
Over all this is a large collection of abstractions instead of visceral, connectable images/experiences.
[bear to find the crucified] Quite ambiguous. Crucified people? Ideas? Animals? Dreams?
[shatter what they call violence] Who are 'they'?
[babtise the sickness that weakens the heart] Kind of weak - specificity would be nice, something like cancer or gangrene.
Over all this is a large collection of abstractions instead of visceral, connectable images/experiences.
24th Jul 2011 6:35pm
i have bad english...im from japan.....so i make my spelling mistakes apart of my writting
24th Jul 2011 11:21pm
That changes everything! If I wrote a poem in Japanese, it wouldn't make any sense. I'd have to use an online translator. I don't speak any languages other than English, at least not fluently.
You have a tough task to learn English through writing poetry. I wish you all the best in your writing and respect your desire to learn.
You have a tough task to learn English through writing poetry. I wish you all the best in your writing and respect your desire to learn.
5th Oct 2011 10:53am
being japanese and writing english poems you've tried to keep the essence of the poem intact. that's a very good effort.
keep it up :)
keep it up :)
15th Oct 2011 4:07am
u don't have a bad english as i can see coz ur better than on those who born england or another european countries and couldn't able to write single line of poem. whether ur poem having some mistake on spelling or not, people like what u killed it & i love this poem and u made it miss killer :D
KEEP IT UP!
KEEP IT UP!
10th Mar 2012 7:21am
10th Mar 2012 8:57am
some people are too sensitive, and if u still do in that way,I'm sure u guys hurt people without know it or if u meant to. there is such words that u guys didn't get so i but there is a meaning behind it and i get it finally. if u guys didn't get it ask the person who belong this poem in privately way not posting in publicly way.
"NEVER JUDGE PEOPLE FOR THEIR MISTAKE BUT TRY TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO MOVE FORWARD"
"NEVER JUDGE PEOPLE FOR THEIR MISTAKE BUT TRY TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO MOVE FORWARD"
10th Mar 2012 7:22am
10th Mar 2012 8:56am
