When Bears Attack II

 What are you meant to do
What are you not meant to do
When you are in the forest
Facing an extremely large one
Charging, angry grizzly bear
Conventional wisdom gives us
A source of do’s and donts
A list of helpful tips and advice

Whatever you do, don’t run
The bear will see that as a challenge
And famously they love the chase

Don’t throw rocks at it
It is most lightly that he will
Pick them up and throw them back

Don’t curse at it or shout insults
Bears are sensitive souls
You’ll just make him angrier

Don’t try making your self bigger
Eating fatty foods, or working out
You don’t have the time for that shit

Don’t offer him your rucksack
He doesn’t know how to use a compass
Nor is he able to operate your I-pad

Don’t make direct eye contact
Bears hate people who stare
It’s just plain rude

Don’t wave a red rag or cape at him
You are clearly not a matador
He is clearly not a fuckin bull

You can’t phone a friend
You can’t ask the audience
And bears hate watching ‘Deal or no Deal’

Do try suggesting a picnic later in the day
Tell him you have a large picnic basket
We all know how much bears just love a picnic

Do try re-doing you make up and lip gloss
The bear may then find you attractive
Better to be shagged than killed

Do try Howling like a wolf
He may back off thinking
That you are only one of a pack

Do try dancing a waltz
In the hope he might want to cut in
Rather than cut you to shreds

Do try crying like a big baby
If he sees you’re really upset
He may just give you a comforting bear hug

Do try singing ‘The bare Necessities’
In the hope that he has seen ‘The Jungle Book’
And believes that you are Mowgli

Do try lying to him, tell him
That you are beast friends with Yogi and Booboo
And hope he is a fan of the show

Do try to convince him that you
Were a quarterback for the Chicago Bears
And see if he’d prefer a game of catch

You could try rolling into a ball
Pretending to be dead
I suspect that all that will achieve
Is allowing you to experience
What your about to become
Dead!

Good Luck