Richard

I did it,
me
alone

I didn’t do it because I was alone
I fell into something convenient and safe

didn’t have to trust because I didn’t care
could have his tongue in anyone’s throat and I wouldn’t jerk

anyone put their hand in your chest dent I’d cry for fear they’d gotten closer to your heart than I

I saw your lips at a house party
I was wobbling when I stood straight, face to face, with half a face I knew
I wanted him to love me
in the hope that somehow that compromise would subdue
missing you

he didn’t stop to talk
I followed
compared him loudly to JME
because of that snapchat you once sent me

I lay in bed after, while he was on the loo
wondering if you’d put anything new
on my spotify playlist

I check what you listen to and compare the lyrics to our situation
I’m flaking

I re-read our messages until February the 4th
when I realised it had been 3 hours
and I was going to be late for work

no new whatsapps
not yet anyway

I take 3 new snapchat videos with marbles,
no one replies
I think how Ozzy is now my joint-favourite
since loving marbles was loving you

she’s always been the one

I cried after a night out
on the walk home
we passed the supreme store and I had no idea
until Adam said ‘hey look it’s supreme’

I was outside your shop without you and everything was entirely wrong
in that minute

I get up now and I want you to be proud but how can you be proud when I recovered without you

I’m going to get an A this term
and stop taking my pills
not because I’ve forgotten but because I’m allowed

I want you not like before

it’s different

learning to love your own flaws
simultaneously I’m missing yours

I wanted to crush my fairy lights but I never found the right time
and the vanilla incense is gone from my room but still it lingers

you’re the only boy I’ve loved in either of my beds

I fell apart
someone held me till the glue dried
but just far enough away from their body that they didn’t stick to me

we were stifled together
couldn’t ever just be

I was in love with you completely