deepundergroundpoetry.com
His Offering
She can't help but dream
often
how he knelt in front of her--
his eyes, nose and mouth hungry
for her thick slick fragrance.
She remembers how he barely
contained his impatience,
only to wrap his lips
around hers
as he knelt
sucked
and prayed
to his carnal
goddess.
He was naked then, in all ways.
And she received his gift
trembling
with wonder and grace;
wished to receive it
again
and again
every
single
day.
often
how he knelt in front of her--
his eyes, nose and mouth hungry
for her thick slick fragrance.
She remembers how he barely
contained his impatience,
only to wrap his lips
around hers
as he knelt
sucked
and prayed
to his carnal
goddess.
He was naked then, in all ways.
And she received his gift
trembling
with wonder and grace;
wished to receive it
again
and again
every
single
day.
Published 15th May 2016
| Edited 16th May 2016
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Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2016 3:56pm
16th May 2016 3:55pm
My brain says kick that semi colon in Line 1 to the curb. "Dreams" = multiple and can imply "often."
So, my suggestion is the alternative phrasing
"She can't help but dream
often
of how he knelt in front of her--"
which also eliminates the repetitive "she".
So, my suggestion is the alternative phrasing
"She can't help but dream
often
of how he knelt in front of her--"
which also eliminates the repetitive "she".
16th May 2016 5:16pm
