Chatroom, Whiskey, and Her

Staring at this quarter-filled glass  
Of whiskey and an almost emptied bottle  
While I coughed out the smoke of cigarettes  
That's been choking my lungs for twenty years  
And then shifting my gaze at the PC monitor  
To read the hearty and sometimes sarcastic  
Chitchats of those chat room regulars  
Something inside filled me with longing.  
 
She's gone.. I let her go.. Whimsically  
Out of sheer stupidity .. jealousy .. or drunkenness  
Or all of the three combined.. Who knows  
I bet she knew all along for she knows me  
More than I can ever understand myself and my actions  
She's my long-sought light teaching me the ways  
Of life and the value of being a better person I can be  
To let go of the demons and get out of the pond.  
 
My light.. My cherished teacher .. My best friend  
My confidant.. She's gone .. Out of my life  
No amount of tears, of feigned happiness, of depression  
Would be enough for the miseries, hurts and heartaches  
I caused her to slowly get tired and turned away  
Can bring her back to me and restart anew  
If only she can read this heartfelt mumbling flowing  
She'd know.. She always does, that my tears would then start falling.  
 
Can hearts get pained? Can hearts burst? Or can they be made of stone?  
Can hearts be out of pace ? Can hearts be out of place?  
She wanted my heart and direction on the right place and path  
For she believed I have a good soul with just a messed up disposition  
That I am smart but with just fucked up sense of direction  
She always believed in my abilities, my skills, my potentials  
For a moment I tried, I didn't want to fail her or hurt her  
But the demons lurking within resisted and I gave her up.  
 
Can guardian angels just simply leave one who is in need ?  
And just leave you with demons feasting on you instead ?  
She always said she'd help me explore the world outside the pond.  
For a pond is a stale, cold, stagnant place that's too limiting.  
The whiskey's drained and I flicked my last cigarette  
Here I am again staring at the chat room reading the numerous  
Almost incoherent threads and reflected to join in on the conversation  
With yet another feigned happiness, nonchalance... while my heart is filled with longing.  
 
March 28, 2016 | ThornWithin | All Rights Reserved